Making Lemonade from Lemons

December 18, 2023

There is an adage about making lemonade from lemons. This is a great idea until it’s you that has the challenge in your path. Perhaps it’s an illness, the loss of a loved one, or a physical injury – for example. It could also be smaller occurrences such as not getting the raise that you expected, someone treating you in an unkind manner, or just missing a connection on a trip. It can be anything – when it happens to YOU, it’s different. It feels different and it really hits home because it is home. It’s YOU. This is normal. But how you react to these situations, both big and small, is what makes the difference in your life. In this article, I’m going to discuss these curveballs that life throws at us and how we may or may not react to them.

In my almost ¾ of a century on earth, I’m finding that making lemonade out of lemons is not so easy when it’s YOU that the lemons are happening to. When it’s my mother that has gotten sick and I must run around the country to take care of her. And then when it’s my mother that dies, it’s very difficult. I hear many people in my generation who have lost a parent, but not until it happened to ME, and I lost my MOTHER, did I really understand what it felt like. In addition, I didn’t understand how much I had to do to settle her accounts, etc. after she died. So, when other people told me about it, I just nodded my head. NOW I get it and will have more emotional intelligence and will provide more empathy to others when I hear this.

Other people get sick. Some get better and some don’t. They live with illness and others die. Some continue to go out dancing with this issue or that. When I hear about it, I say how sorry I am and then continue dancing. It isn’t me that has the problem. I feel bad that it’s happening to them, but there isn’t anything that I can do about their having this problem. Now, occasionally, I get stepped on, my toe might be bruised, or I might get a tendon torn in my foot. Over the many years that I’ve been a dancer (ballroom and tango), I’ve had several injuries. I’ve not fussed about it; neither have I asked for help. I went to the doctor and dealt with the consequences. Sometimes, I’ve had to have procedures that required me to stay  in the house for days at a time and I didn’t ask people to come over. Perhaps I was to stoic. Others don’t know that I’d like to have company and that I really don’t want to be alone so much. That said, I don’t like to bother people since I feel that others have their own stuff that they have to deal with. I’m not dying so I can carry on. I suppose if I really had to have a ride somewhere after a procedure, I’d try to get help, but I don’t ask – or haven’t as of yet.

So now I find out that after over dancing for a few months – having a good time – I finally got an MRI and it turns out that I have little tears in both hips. In addition, there is tendonitis down the back of both legs. Wow, I really did it to myself. I had pain and just told the doctor to give me the shots and she did. Now I have to pay the price. I stopped dancing except for once a week. I miss it and don’t have much to do in the house except watch GAIA videos about esoteric things. I enjoy the videos and I’m learning a lot of stuff. I have lots of fun facts to throw out at the table when I am around other people. My friends seldom have time to watch TV so they enjoy my tidbits.

So how can I turn this physical issue into lemonade? What could there possibly be that’s good about it? For one thing, it’s slowing me down. I have time to think about my mom’s passing in a healthy way, not just the busy stuff I had to do during the first few months after she died. I miss her a lot but was just vegetating in the house – then went crazy dancing. I realize the error of my ways now – one needs to do little exercises to keep all the muscles going and not just the big ones – like with Zumba and weight training. Exercise like Barre, Pilates and Yoga work the little muscles and tendons and keeping the body flexible to reduce the likelihood of injury. I know now I have to add these types of exercises into my routine.

I also realize that I have to have friendships beyond the social circle of just dance friends whom I know three things about and can ask how you are while dancing. I need social friends to just hang out with other than dancing. I have to widen my world.

In addition, I have to find another goal in life. For the last three years of my Mom’s life I cared for her and she was always in my thoughts – what I had to do for her or someone was calling me telling me that she fell, etc. Now there is a big hole that I have to fill with a new direction. I have many years left and need to be productive – not in a working sense, just as a human being. I want to help others, be of service in some way so I need to find my next volunteer situation.

So how does one make lemonade out of lemons? Start from the beginning, figure out what the lesson is and go from there. The answers always come.

Comments and questions are always welcome.  

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

My version of “The Notebook”

July 27, 2023

It’s understandable that parents don’t tell their kids everything about their lives when they were young, nor even everything that happens on a daily basis. But once they are gone, to find papers or in the movie, The Notebook, to find a volume that tells a story that no one else besides the characters knew about it, is pretty amazing. This is my version of The Notebook.

To set the stage, I was caregiver for my mother for the last 2.5 years of her life. My brother died during the pandemic and very shortly thereafter I went out to California, leaving my Virginia home for 10 months to directly tend to the needs of my mother. She didn’t want me to know how sick he was, that he wasn’t coming to visit her, that she was left to figure out how to get food via a guy that went grocery shopping for her, etc. etc. By the time I took over she was ten pounds under weight and not in good shape at all. She needed major dental work ($6,000) and lots of new clothes due to the lost weight. Of course, with my healthy cooking, vitamin program and general attention to her needs, she returned to her normal weight and for her age, vigor. I felt good about this and we enjoyed our time together. It wasn’t all fun. I cooked, cleaned, took her to the doctor and dealt with all of her needs. In addition, I found the weather there an issue in itself, especially when the temperature hit 120F. At that point, I told my mother that it was time for me to return to Virginia and my own home. I left the decision on her moving up to her. At this point, faced with living alone or coming with me, she chose the latter. I packed her up and moved as much of her things as would fit into her new place as I could.

It was a research project to find a wonderful senior building for her with lots of activities, quality dining room, and people with whom she could chat away. She also loved the porch to sit and look, not at palm trees as she did in California, but the greenery of Virginia. It was interesting to note, that my mom was now back in the state where she grew up. She started and ended her life in Virginia.

My mother lasted another year and a half until she passed due to a short illness. I did what I could to extend her life every day that was possible; providing people, activities and dealing with her needs. Anything she wanted I bought for her. That said, we didn’t do a lot of talking to each other. During this time, I mainly would visit and told her about what was going on in my life. I knew people and places that she’d experienced but not everything that ever happened to her. Every morning that I didn’t visit, I called and asked how she was doing? Then she asked how I was doing? That’s about the extent of our conversations. What came next really surprised me.

Once my mother died, I had to pack up her apartment, prepare for the funeral and send her body out to California for burial. I was operating on automatic putting one foot in front of the other, barely having time to process what was happening.

Only now, three months later, did I finally get to the packet of papers that together are the remnants of the memoir writing class that Mom took 10 years ago. The teacher in the class provided the students prompts and then each participant wrote a few sentences for paragraphs based on this idea to get them started. At that time, my mother told me that she was taking this class. She even read me a few of her writings over the phone, since she was living alone in California, being quite independent at the time. But to discover these writings now is blowing me away. You see, some of what she wrote, I didn’t know about. Such as her pet dog and what happened to him; or what her father, my grandfather did when he first came to the USA; there were other stories about how she loved the idea of being a teacher and role-played as a child. I knew that she taught school (yes, she became a teacher) but I didn’t know that it had been her dream to do so. As I read these papers, and there are many pages, I have to allow time to digest each one. Each one tells a story that I didn’t know about my mother. Details of her life that I’m finding out now, after she’s gone. Stories that she never told me, but she’s telling me now.

What’s even stranger, is boxes of shoes that I have in my closest are falling down. I pick them up and put them back and they fall down again. The same 3 boxes in a row fall down. I put them back up. Finally, I said, “Ma are you doing this? If you are stop and I’ll know that it’s you”. The boxes still came down. So, I tried putting one box back and it stayed. Then I put two boxes back and they stayed. I haven’t tried the three boxes yet, but I believe they will stay now. I believe that my mother is seeing how much I miss her, how I talk to her, look at her pictures over the years wondering where the years went, how my life has passed and she’s telling me that she’s here still watching over me. She doesn’t want me to be so upset. She wants me to carry on with my life, stoically as she always did. I’m not as strong as she was. No matter what happened, she carried on. Probably a leftover from the Depression. I miss her. There were things in our relationship that were broken but I did what I could to take care of her, to be kind, loving and a good daughter. In the end, she told me that I had been a good daughter and that she loved me.

What more can one ask for? Finding out these stories is just like The Notebook. It changes your life to find out things about a loved one after they die. It’s like they are continuing to talk to you.

As always, comments are always welcome.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Positivism promotes health

May 1, 2020

We’re all in this isolation situation together. Sounds kind of funny doesn’t it?  Billions of people around the world are all stressed due to the Covid-19 corona virus pandemic yet it may be for slightly differing reasons. I feel like I get paralyzed some days and just plain overcome with inertia to be able to get anything done. I’ve heard other people express similar sentiments on zoom chat calls when they talk about how they are doing. Initially, I thought it was just me. Now I feel that we’re experiencing a new kind of stress that I’ll called COVID-19 PTSD. The answer is to stay positive, reduce this stress and promote a healthy immune system.

Just what is the undertone of this COVID-19 PTSD? Some of us are more concerned for our financial situations due to job loss or the state of the economy in general than for their health. As I’m in the high risk category, my health is my primary concern. I’m not working as I’m already in retirement; yet, I still have concerns for the economy because my income comes from investments which are currently in a volatile state making withdrawals from my account extremely expensive (taking the money and tax out at a 25% loss equals 40% in actual dollars!). Others may be concerned for their relatives going to work in high risk environments like first responders, medical professionals and those working in the delivery services as well as in stores still open.

The bottom line is that we’re all feeling Covid-19 stress, a new kind of PTSD from being isolated, shell shocked, having to live in a new reality not of our own making as well as dealing with everyday situations like going out into the “jungle” to get food or supplies. Where will it lead? No one really knows at this point. So what can we do about it? Well, some people are doing a lot of complaining about how the whole situation is being mismanaged so they think. Apparently, they would open the economy and allow people to move about. Others are saying that no, that would only contribute to more people getting sick and possibly dying. Well then, just keep the elderly and those with underlying medical conditions under wraps! I’m not proposing this; I’m merely stating what I’m hearing online and in the news. My personal opinion is of no consequence since I can’t affect the outcome of a virulent disease.    

So what’s my point and why am I writing this article? I do believe that we must stay positive. What does that look like in this volatile environment? It looks like not discussing how wrong all the government and bureaucratic decisions are, constantly looking at how many people are sick, how many have died and listening to the news all day. Yes, be informed but don’t let it all overwhelm you. Allow a certain reasonable amount of time daily to keep up to date on best practices, what one is supposed to do at the moment and stay calm about it. Getting hysterical, rioting and going against best practices is not the answer. Leave it up to the experts – anyway, the experts can’t decide what’s best – only God knows what will happen. It’s a virus and it doesn’t follow any rules. If we stay in now it may just delay the inevitable until later. But maybe later we’ll be more prepared. I certainly don’t want to have the lives of millions of people in my hands, do you? So leave it up to them and stay in your own body (or frequency).

Understand that everything that happens, even when someone dies, while others live is all part of the divine plan. We do our best every day, keep our minds positive, think the best of people, situations we find ourselves in and don’t allow our minds to be dissuaded by negative people. Don’t get on phone calls and listen to people go on about how bad everything is. It isn’t good for you and certainly not for them. We need to stay positive. It’s proven that staying positive keeps the immune system up and this is the best thing we can do for ourselves right now (that and eating healthy, getting daily exercise and drinking fresh water of course).  Know that you aren’t going crazy you’re dealing with Covid-19 PTSD. Stay positive!

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Don't cry for me

March 23, 2020

My dear friend Teresa died yesterday from complications of a rare form of cancer. She knew she was dying and totally prepared for the event. I was fortunate in being able to see her before I left on my trip to South America in early March.  I was one of the few of her friends that saw her in her last days before her doctor prohibited such visits due to her weakened condition. Our friendship was unusual in that we rarely saw each other but for some reason that I can’t explain, there was just this underlying like and appreciation for each other. Unlike myself, her life path had included a very healthy marriage with children and grandchildren that loved her very much.

During my visit with Teresa, she recounted a near-death experience she’d had several years ago, where, during a heart attack and treatment in the hospital she essentially died on the operating table. During this episode, she sensed her soul floating up to the ceiling of the operating room, hovering over her body where she could see the doctors and nurses working to revive her. She was aware of what they were saying as well. I could appreciate what she was telling me, although never experiencing an out of body experience, I have spoken to souls after they’ve passed on. So there was no issue in my believing her story. She also told me about seeing the most magnificent light as she travelled very fast through a tunnel of time and experienced what she believed was God. She was told that it was not her time and she needed to return to the Earthly plane.

When she returned to her body, the doctors had no rational explanation. Her heart seemed fine and she fully recovered. But Teresa knew in her heart, excuse the expression that she was merely being given time to prepare her family for her eventual passing. However, she was also angry with God for sending her back. She felt such love that she really wanted to stay in that other spiritual dimension. For the last two years she’s really been in a preparation mode planning her funeral her last days being happy with her family knowing full well that she would leave. Thus, when the diagnosis came of cancer it came quickly without much warning but she was ready.

Teresa and her husband had gone on trips that had many happy days and she was ready; so, in her words “Don’t Cry For Me because I’m going to be okay as I know what it looks like on the other side and my departed family are there and I am looking forward to being there too. I know my family will be okay here; they will miss me but they will be okay.”  So when the call came last night from the rabbi’s wife that my dear friend had departed yesterday morning, part of me was glad that her suffering was over.

I will try not to cry for you. You were a good friend and I will miss you.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Entitlements??

February 6, 2020

I already know that I’m not going to make friends on this blog article. The word “entitlements” is charged without even knowing the perspective or specific contextual meaning. Usually, we use the term Entitlements to mean benefits that one earns through working and paying into a system such as for social security retirement or Medicare insurance. After working for 40 years, and paying for 40 credits (quarters), one earns the right to have benefits paid out in the form of a social benefit payment known as social security. However, if one is disabled and by definition can’t work, one is entitled to claim benefits after as little as five years. That is, in our great country, we pay people social security disability after just a few years of working versus the full 40 years if they are able bodied.

So why am I bringing this up? Well, I have a friend that wants to retire and is complaining that he might have to work a couple  more years rather than retire now in order to help his family – disabled sister and invalid Mom out for a bit. But let’s look a little deeper. The family has resources that they are not using or wish to keep for later. So rather than sell one of their two properties (a home in an affluent city neighborhood as well as a vacation home in the outer banks) to take care of the disparity in their finances, they want to just live off of the government. My friend is complaining that the amount of money that his sister gets from food stamps which was reduced from $300 per month to $260 is outrageous (as he puts it) and so unfair. This is in addition to the money she gets for social security disability. Now I certainly am sorry that she can’t work and that she is caring for her daughter and yes, it’s difficult to eat well on that money. But I can also tell you that I’ve gone through tough times in my life, when I was starting my life coaching business and was living pretty meagerly. Sometimes one has to do that. What I’m hearing from him is that his family doesn’t want to give up anything, and that the government should take up the slack. He’s furious with the President, since of course it’s all Trump’s fault for his current situation. If it were me, I’d sell one of the properties, accept that the vacation home is a luxury that isn’t affordable in the current climate and then live comfortably with the money one gains. No, unfortunately, he doesn’t agree (and I didn’t actually say that only thought it).

Why do people think the government should take care of everyone to such an extent that family should never have to help out? Who is the government but us individuals who pay taxes into a system? At what point are we paying for a lot of other people to live well because their families don’t want to help them? It all comes down to a bank account of ins and outs. I’ve saved all my life and in putting money away for a raining day I had to give up some meals out, some special activities that I didn’t attend, etc. I’ve watched this friend spend lots of money on special programs not giving any thought to whether he could really afford it or not. Where is it written that we have the RIGHT to fancy restaurant meals, Starbucks café coffees daily rather than as a special treat or other niceties?  We all have to make choices and it really irks me to listen to this guy complain about the current administration and how his problems are all due to the Government and not in his own financial management.  He also told me that he would have to figure out how to get his 88 year old Mom a car so his sister could drive her around. Perhaps Uber for the few trips would be more economical or a special ride program. Oh no, they’d never be able to drive up the long drive way. He has an answer for everything. Well, perhaps the big home they’re living in is no longer suitable for his Mom and sister. Again, they don’t want to make any changes. It’s easier to just blame everything on the government.

I’ve written about personal accountability before, but this is a bit different. We can’t expect the government to do EVERYTHING. I feel that his sister is getting a lot from the government. When I asked about the other services available to her, he just brushed me off. He knows I’m one of the millions of crazy people who actually voted for this President and who is very happy with this economy which is very much due to his economic policies. And that’s my side of the story.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

A Tough Lesson to Learn

March 16, 2012

Someone close to me is enduring a very difficult life lesson, the spiritual context of which he’s not yet aware. From where I’m sitting, I see that his wife and daughter don’t pay much attention to him when he tries to communicate with them. I’m not sure if this is in response to his neglectful behavior or whether it was they who first neglected him. These situations tend to have long, winding and complicated histories with only the tentacles visible to those around the individuals of concern. The result is a very unhappy person who does his best to work hard to provide for all the luxuries that his very materialistic family has come to expect. Yes, this is a definite example of entitlement to the nth degree. So what’s the lesson?

Once a year I go for a visit and I was told that he would not be available during my stay of six days. At first I was rather irritated since I’d provided my itinerary over six months in advance. Then I realized that there must be something more serious going on since he told me when we spoke that, “I’ll be ok and not to worry”. When someone makes such statements one immediately begins to wonder what they shouldn’t be worried about. Just what is the problem? How serious is it that it can’t be simply stated? I really dislike secrecy since I think it causes more harm than good.

Here’s a bit more background. Let’s call this person Bob, which is a name change for privacy sake. Bob is a very highly-educated professional, running a business with multiple employees and has provided a high standard of living for his family. His wife and daughter have anything they could possibly want. I gave up worrying about what to buy them as gifts years ago since my offerings could never meet the standards of which they had come accustomed to so I just bought what I could afford and left it at that. It’s also important to note that I’ve never been jealous of what they had either, since I could never afford to buy the kind of clothes, cars, jewelry or other luxuries that they had, nor did I care about it. I’m happy with what’s within my reach and was also happy for them if it truly made them happy to have these things.

After actually leaving on my trip and arriving at my destination, I was surprised to find that Bob hadn’t gone wherever he was going…yet. We were able to share a couple meals together but without the mention of what was wrong or where he was going. I did notice, however, that during the lunch that his wife and daughter seemed a lot nicer to him. So what happened? Bob is aging and has come down with an illness. The old adage is that money can’t buy love, but the fear of dying can certainly change perspectives. Bob was ignored before and disrespected, but from where I was sitting, it sure looked like reality (as in he might not be around forever) set in.

So how does the life lesson work? Bob wasn’t getting his needs met. He was being nice to everyone around him. He has a wonderful nature, is of service to his community, yet, went home to an emotional shell. When he got sick, it was a wakeup call to his family. I certainly hope that he gets well and that everyone realizes that money does buy things, but that’s all they are, just things. People and what they bring to our lives are much more important. We all should value what we have before it’s too late.

I hope both Bob and his family learn the lesson of being less material and more spiritual. The universe has a way of pulling us back into balance… sometimes kicking and screaming. Sometimes it’s a tough lesson but one that we all need to learn at some point in our lives.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne