Navigating Toxic Friendships: When to Let Go

June 17, 2025

There are ups and downs with friends as with every other type of relationship. However, when things become too one-sided or even abusive, it may be time to let go. In other words, it’s time to just give up being friends with this person. This happened to me recently with a 7-year friendship that I’ve come to realize is just draining me and is causing stress in my life. As I’ve aged, I have realized that if those around me are not adding to my life, then they are detracting from it. Something must change or be changed. Here is my generalized story of a derailed friendship.

Many families have dramas. In fact, I don’t know of any people around me that don’t have some kind of issues or drama in their lives or within their extended families. Perhaps there is a medical crisis going on, someone in the hospital, dealing with an illness or even a terminal situation. There are mood disorders such as ADHD, bipolar, autism and/ or narcissism that I’ve seen in those around me. Each of these mental handicaps have their own spectrum of debilitation and or frustrations for those near, whether family or friends.

In my own life, I’ve dealt with boyfriends that have suffered from many of these mental unstable emotional issues filling my life with turmoil. I once asked a psychic why I had so many such men in my life to which I was told, “because you have a karmic obligation to be patient and to help them navigate their lives while with you”. Every day, week, month or year that I spent with people of this unbalanced nature caused me to wonder if my world was upside down since their thinking was so out of kilter. I had to learn to stay balanced during chaos.

And so it went. I met L. (short for the guy in question) about seven years ago when he came to my town to visit his family. We met at a ballroom dance and eventually dated while he was local. Even after he left, we have kept in touch with sporadic calls and text messages. His normal conversations are more like rants about his family drama even though over the years I’d had much of my own, having gone through a brother’s death, his children trying to take over care of my mother from me and then having to care for her over a 2 year period until her death.

During my own turmoil, I was present for my friend L. He was always fixated on his situation and although appeared to be listening, he was most probably multitasking on his computer. With his extreme ADHD he is constantly doing multiple things as his mind races. He only eats when his body forces him to and tends to sleep any time of the day when he just can’t stay awake any longer. When we’ve been together, he has led a more normal life since I eat and sleep normally – he has managed to do so. Apparently, my energy has been a calming influence on him. I felt that I was helping him in this way.

My description of L has been the case until more recently when I decided to make a visit to his home, which is in our northern neighbor, Canada. From where I live, it’s just a quick 2-hour flight. I stopped in to see him last October during a visit to his area allowing some time for my own activities and he was very receptive, keeping in mind that I paid for all that we did together. He didn’t even offer me tea during our afternoon breaks. I recognized that his finances were stretched, but staying in my room, there was a nice sofa in the living area, sharing my breakfast and then going out to dinner with me, it would have been a nice gesture to pay for a simple tea. Although I enjoyed his company while there, mostly because he was calmer than when we conversed on the phone and was willing to hang out doing what I wanted to do. That’s nice, but in the end, paying for a man for everything does get old.

This time, I decided to visit for a full week and go from one city to another one a few hours away by train. He agreed to go with me even though he’d been before. I guess he figured that I’d pay for everything. When I asked him if he could cover his train fare, he said, “maybe”. I’m not sure what kind of answer that is. Either one has $135 or nor. I don’t understand “maybe”. I needed to book my trip and eventually made the arrangement to fly into his city so that he could accompany me to the second one. In hindsight, this was a mistake as it’s possible to just fly there and then take the train one way back. I didn’t want to pay for two people to go back and forth when I could have done it much simpler in the first place.

Then I also booked the trip for when he was available – mid – July, a much busier tourist season, rather than the end of June, which was preferable for me. I don’t mind cooler weather when it’s not as crowded. In accommodating him, I’m going during warmer, and possibly wetter weather, in tourist time and when I’m missing something that might have been possible. One can look towards other’s welfare more than their own. Now I’m very sorry that I did this, since his attitude of late has made me realize that he really doesn’t want to go since he doesn’t want to spend money period. Being with me is ok, as long as I’m the bank. I’ve decided that this doesn’t work for me. Unfortunately, I figured the whole thing out late.

In the end, I wrote to him that it just seems like it’s a bad time to come to visit him and that our plans together are cancelled. That said, my plans are not cancelled. If it was easier to change my air I would do so, but there are other expenses already incurred that make this adjustment impossible now. Oh well. I will go and do the trip as I wish. Letting go has released me from a great deal of stress. Of course, he had some redeeming qualities that I will miss, but not enough to continue. Discernment is necessary in selecting friends – who to spend time with and who to allow to use your time.

I’ve learned a big lesson. I will not allow myself to give into the whims of others nor for me to be used again. I also realize now that the planetary alignment is happening this coming weekend. It’s a time to let go of what’s not aligned with one’s mission and /or higher calling. Letting go of L. is part of my need to let go since it’s not in alignment with my mission. What are you considering it’s time to let go of?

Comments are always welcome.

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Preparing for One’s Own Funeral

March 30, 2024

Everyone has a birth and an expiration date. Even though it’s not pleasant to think about the later date for the most part, in some cases, it’s best to plan. In my case, I don’t have family, so I want to take the guess work out of my final arrangements for the executor of my “estate”. My net worth won’t be in the category of Bill Gates, but it is still called an “estate”. Hence, I went out to take care of my funeral arrangements. This hit home to me after making similar arrangements for my mother’s final resting place last year. Doing so brought home my own mortality. I also realized how expensive an actual burial can be and will certainly be more expensive in the future. When a friend told me how he pre-planned his funeral and had also paid for it a long time ago, I decided to do the same.

If someone just wants to be cremated and their ashes thrown about, the problem is much simpler. At one point I felt this way until I studied about the Jewish perspective on the soul while investigating burials for my mother. Then I realized that I might not care, but my soul might feel differently about it. I changed my will from cremation to burial. At this point, several years ago, I hadn’t decided on the actual funeral arrangements.

Now that my mother’s funeral is in the rear-view mirror, I decided to take time out to plan my own. As there is only one Jewish cemetery near my home in Virginia, I went there a few weeks ago and picked out a plot. I was surprised that in March there was a sale. One doesn’t imagine that there would be sales on cemetery plots. I guess it’s essentially real estate that one uses in the future. During the afternoon, I had a few chuckles to myself. One of the funny moments was when the lady said, “Don’t you want to be up on the hill?” When I realized that the cost was three times what it cost to be lower down, I declined. The neighborhood looked just fine near the row of trees closer to the entrance. The people already buried there seemed to be “nice” people. Just imagine me standing there looking down at those already buried and thinking that they were fine for me to have as neighbors one day!

I told the lady helping me that I would take the spot available as I looked up and saw a beautiful cherry tree wondering if it would still be there some thirty years in the future when I felt it would be my time – God willing.

I signed the contract for the selected spot and all the extras that were required, including the headstone. That is also an interesting story. There are several grades of headstones each costing more – depending on style of lettering, borders and how much information was on there. I chose the basic one but had to have my name in both English and Hebrew. Of course, this is the Jewish section of the cemetery and having the Hebrew writing was an extra charge! This did seem very strange to me. I have the basic information of my birth date and the date of death is of course, TBD.

The contract will get paid for over 5 years. The next step was the funeral home.

I communicated with two different funeral homes and got pricing for a basic Jewish casket, ritual washing and the other basics that are required. That too was put on a five year contract.

In the end, no pun intended, the details of what I want are in place. Now the person who will handle things for me will know what to do and it will be mostly paid for. I say mostly because there are always last minutes charges. I expect to be living in the same area but could move. This organization does allow for that and will facilitate monies going to other services elsewhere. I’ve done the best job I can with really not knowing how it will go in the future. One cannot project manage everything.

But almost everything. I certainly do feel my mortality more than before. And I turned another year older in the process.

As always, comments are welcome.

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My version of “The Notebook”

July 27, 2023

It’s understandable that parents don’t tell their kids everything about their lives when they were young, nor even everything that happens on a daily basis. But once they are gone, to find papers or in the movie, The Notebook, to find a volume that tells a story that no one else besides the characters knew about it, is pretty amazing. This is my version of The Notebook.

To set the stage, I was caregiver for my mother for the last 2.5 years of her life. My brother died during the pandemic and very shortly thereafter I went out to California, leaving my Virginia home for 10 months to directly tend to the needs of my mother. She didn’t want me to know how sick he was, that he wasn’t coming to visit her, that she was left to figure out how to get food via a guy that went grocery shopping for her, etc. etc. By the time I took over she was ten pounds under weight and not in good shape at all. She needed major dental work ($6,000) and lots of new clothes due to the lost weight. Of course, with my healthy cooking, vitamin program and general attention to her needs, she returned to her normal weight and for her age, vigor. I felt good about this and we enjoyed our time together. It wasn’t all fun. I cooked, cleaned, took her to the doctor and dealt with all of her needs. In addition, I found the weather there an issue in itself, especially when the temperature hit 120F. At that point, I told my mother that it was time for me to return to Virginia and my own home. I left the decision on her moving up to her. At this point, faced with living alone or coming with me, she chose the latter. I packed her up and moved as much of her things as would fit into her new place as I could.

It was a research project to find a wonderful senior building for her with lots of activities, quality dining room, and people with whom she could chat away. She also loved the porch to sit and look, not at palm trees as she did in California, but the greenery of Virginia. It was interesting to note, that my mom was now back in the state where she grew up. She started and ended her life in Virginia.

My mother lasted another year and a half until she passed due to a short illness. I did what I could to extend her life every day that was possible; providing people, activities and dealing with her needs. Anything she wanted I bought for her. That said, we didn’t do a lot of talking to each other. During this time, I mainly would visit and told her about what was going on in my life. I knew people and places that she’d experienced but not everything that ever happened to her. Every morning that I didn’t visit, I called and asked how she was doing? Then she asked how I was doing? That’s about the extent of our conversations. What came next really surprised me.

Once my mother died, I had to pack up her apartment, prepare for the funeral and send her body out to California for burial. I was operating on automatic putting one foot in front of the other, barely having time to process what was happening.

Only now, three months later, did I finally get to the packet of papers that together are the remnants of the memoir writing class that Mom took 10 years ago. The teacher in the class provided the students prompts and then each participant wrote a few sentences for paragraphs based on this idea to get them started. At that time, my mother told me that she was taking this class. She even read me a few of her writings over the phone, since she was living alone in California, being quite independent at the time. But to discover these writings now is blowing me away. You see, some of what she wrote, I didn’t know about. Such as her pet dog and what happened to him; or what her father, my grandfather did when he first came to the USA; there were other stories about how she loved the idea of being a teacher and role-played as a child. I knew that she taught school (yes, she became a teacher) but I didn’t know that it had been her dream to do so. As I read these papers, and there are many pages, I have to allow time to digest each one. Each one tells a story that I didn’t know about my mother. Details of her life that I’m finding out now, after she’s gone. Stories that she never told me, but she’s telling me now.

What’s even stranger, is boxes of shoes that I have in my closest are falling down. I pick them up and put them back and they fall down again. The same 3 boxes in a row fall down. I put them back up. Finally, I said, “Ma are you doing this? If you are stop and I’ll know that it’s you”. The boxes still came down. So, I tried putting one box back and it stayed. Then I put two boxes back and they stayed. I haven’t tried the three boxes yet, but I believe they will stay now. I believe that my mother is seeing how much I miss her, how I talk to her, look at her pictures over the years wondering where the years went, how my life has passed and she’s telling me that she’s here still watching over me. She doesn’t want me to be so upset. She wants me to carry on with my life, stoically as she always did. I’m not as strong as she was. No matter what happened, she carried on. Probably a leftover from the Depression. I miss her. There were things in our relationship that were broken but I did what I could to take care of her, to be kind, loving and a good daughter. In the end, she told me that I had been a good daughter and that she loved me.

What more can one ask for? Finding out these stories is just like The Notebook. It changes your life to find out things about a loved one after they die. It’s like they are continuing to talk to you.

As always, comments are always welcome.

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Role Reversal – the continuing story

June 5, 2023

I haven’t posted in awhile since my attention has been on my mother. Over the last couple of years, I’ve had to step in and take care of her since my brother died. While I was out in California, I did the cooking, cleaning, took her to the doctor but also had time to take her out to dinner as well as to get her nails/toes done. These were the variety of activities that we could do together.

Probably her favorite thing to do together was going to the Ritz Carlton in Rancho Mirage. We normally went early like 11:30 AM so that I could get a table close to the outside without being in the direct sun nor being inside. It was a perfect spot that I reserved ahead of time. In California the weather can be 100F early in the day. The door men would greet us as “Good morning, Ladies” and mom would beam. I always parked close by in a handicapped spot dropping her off first. The people there were always so nice to us both, but especially to my mom. She loved it. She enjoyed the ambiance and the beautiful view overlooking the swimming pool with palm trees. It was gorgeous and a view to remember. It’s one of my favorite memories.

It wasn’t all good. At home, mom would blast the TV to the point that I could hardly stand it as her hearing decreased. As there is nothing wrong with my hearing, some times I had to go out for a walk so that she could watch her favorite movies (mostly on the Turner Classic station) or on the oldies TV shows like Laurence Welk. Of course, I was familiar with both the movies and the TV programs but I just don’t like really loud noise. I’m the same way at the gym needing to use earplugs if the music is played too loud. So, we figured out how to co-exist during this time when I was caring for her far from my home. In addition, I’d make dinner and she’d get up a few minutes after eating to watch her favorite shows. I felt like a mother with a teenager eating quickly to go do other things. I was left to eat myself alone and do the dishes.

While all this was happening, I didn’t complain as I had to navigate my home maintenance during the pandemic flying back to take care of things. When it got to hot for me, she finally relented and agreed to move back East. Until this point, she refused and my mother, even at her advanced age had a definite mind of her own.

I could tell that she was having more trouble walking, moving from using a cane to needing a rollator. Luckily, I made the decision, with her acceptance to move her back closer to me. I found a wonderful senior living place for her just 14 minutes away. Little did I know how many times I’d be making that drive. I really didn’t think she’d live as long as she did, but with people around her, activities and my attention to every detail of her life, she lived another 18 months.

The move was difficult in the sense that it was mid-pandemic, and moving companies were in demand so I had to rent an entire truck. I told my mom, “I can buy you all new stuff for what this is costing”. She replied, “But I want my things”. Ok, so I figured out what would fit into the new place – a large one bedroom with living room and full kitchen that she was moving into from a two bedroom with den. Of course, many things had to be left behind with charities, given away to friends as well as some things sent to my house. Finally, the day came and she made the 10-hour trip back to Virginia like a champ. I was surprised that she did so well. I arranged for United to have a wheel chair for the layover in Denver.

Then as she declined further, my responsibilities increased to the point that it was more like caring for a child than for a mother. As she became ill, I was the one that everyone called – if she fell, if she went into the hospital, etc. Then when the final illness happened, it was almost a month of constant care – either in the hospital or a few days at home with round the clock nursing staff. I was a nervous wreck worrying about every detail. Finding the staff, selecting the right person, dealing with the insurance, etc. I was with my mother for 3 full days at the end sleeping in a chair next to her for 2 nights not wanting her to be alone at the end. No one should die alone. Her final moments were in my arms with me hugging her with one arm, holding her hand with the other and kissing her forehead to say good-bye. She looked angelic, and then I knew that the soul had left as she turned into a corpse. It’s hard to say out loud, but that’s how it was.

Now it’s been six weeks since my mother passed into the next life but she speaks to me daily saying that she’s ok and not to worry about her. I miss her a lot and feel like I’ve lost a child more than my mother with all the care that I gave her. I never had children of my own, but now I feel like I know something of what it would have been like to worry and care for another human being. Comments are always welcome.

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Not Knowing

April 18, 2022

I’m reading a book on Antisemitism that is the total of presentations for a conference of the same subject conducted at the University of Indiana this past Fall (2021). It’s written by Academics for Academics which makes sense since they present to each other. My issue with it is that the language is not easy for me to understand. I’m not putting myself down nor am I criticizing the presenters. When one is in a world, that’s the framework that these people have. But for those outside of this particular scope/perspective, it’s difficult to comprehend. It would be like trying to understand quantum physics without really studying it nor having a background in it.

Antisemitism

Why am I pointing this out? Because in reading this book of articles on Antisemitism, I’m learning all the things that I didn’t know about the subject. I must point out to my readers that I’m Jewish so I definitely know what it’s like to be Jewish and to have some people not like me for just being Jewish. I’ve also experienced people being really mean to me for being Jewish. In other words, I’ve experienced antisemitism without knowing the “definitions” of antisemitism nor understanding the academic framework surrounding the intellectual discussion of it.

Again, why is this important? Because not knowing, and then knowing about it opens a whole new world. Now that I know about all the ways that I was wronged in my life based on my being Jewish without realizing it, should I be even more upset than when the particular incident happened? In most cases, these incidents happened many years ago, but I’m coming to realize that many actions people are doing even more recently is actually because they don’t like my Jewishness; in other words, they are acting in an antisemitic way towards me. Does it make me feel any better or worse in knowing? Or in Not Knowing, being in ignorance of why people were being mean to me was it any better?

An interesting point is that most of the speakers who presented and who do present on antisemitism are not Jewish. So, it’s a conundrum to me how someone who isn’t Jewish and doesn’t have any Jewish blood is so taken with others not liking Jews to actually make it a field of study. Do people wonder about this or is it just me? There are many people all over the US and in other countries in this field of antisemitism that are not Israeli, nor Jewish and study this topic. What is their motivation? I see many names that appear to be Austrian, German, etc. Is there any correlation between the nationalities of the seekers with their reasons for studying such a subject when they are not connected to the situation, nor were they harmed by the subject except in concept. “When one of my fellow humans is wronged then so am I”. That’s pretty egotistical if I don’t say so myself. But I really have no idea why these academics are studying this topic so I can’t presume anything.

As I’ve continued my reading of this book, the answer to my questions is becoming more known to me: the speakers/authors are from countries involved in the holocaust and its aftermath. Again, from my readings I’m learning about how these countries are getting tired of apologizing for their involvement in the harming or not protecting more of their citizens from harm during the WWII destruction of so many Jewish lives.

Of course, people of many religions died during this period but most were killed during war times not just rounded up from their homes and murdered in one way or another. The systematic killing of six million Jews is horrific by any historical standard.

There appears to be a new generation of leaders that want to move away from apologizing and even accepting their past history to now shifting away from blame. In other words, they are attempting to change history. Not only are they re-writing what actually happened, but this new perspective is rationalizing the entire historical period away from their minds. Now it’s been done by “Others” and not “Them” so their people can breathe easier. With this new understanding, I can see why some of the authors are taking a stand on the resultant antisemitism that is arising out of this, well it’s not us, but them at fault. Again, it’s the Jews who are at fault. In other words, antisemitism is more on the rise than ever.

Of course, many people study ancient Roman culture and they have nothing to do with ancient romans. They didn’t live at that time nor are they responsible for anything that happened then but they still study this period in history. So, I guess if people want to study about another group of people and why others hate them, it’s ok.

As for my understanding what it’s like to be Jewish and to totally feel what it’s like to have been persecuted during the war, let me say that most of my relatives were killed during the holocaust. I believe that this point makes me able to say that I feel the pain of the persecution through the fact that I have so little family left. I especially am reminded of this fact on holidays and when people tell me that they’re about to visit cousins or other family members. I do have some family but only because those members of my family that did come over in the early 1900’s have married and had kids and they have had kids so there are a few generations in the US. Unfortunately, anyone that stayed behind is no longer.

As I continue my reading into this fascinating book and my NOT KNOWING becomes MORE KNOWING, I’m learning how more of the same old perspective that got Jews rammed into pogroms in the late 19th century is recurring; in addition, it contributed to the “it’s ok to kill the Jews because they caused all the ills going on in society thinking” is again gaining momentum. This is really news to me so my NOT KNOWING here is blowing my mind. Apparently, people just don’t learn from history. Are we going to have another world war over it? Do we have to have more lives lost like before? Or is this craziness the reason that non-Jews recognize the reason to fight against antisemitism before it’s too late? As this is a huge subject, for now, I’ll leave it as the answer. We all need to use our own minds and not be led like sheep to the slaughter by those that wish to tear down the very fabric of our society – (even with it’s edges and curves!)

Comments or questions are welcome.

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Role Reversal

November 29, 2021

In this blog article I’m going to address the stage in life where the kids are taking care of the parents to the extent where the line of who is the parent and who is the child becomes blurred. This is a subject that is hitting close to home at the moment as I move further along the path of caring for my aging mother, now pushing beyond 94 years old.

I never had children of my own although I was married for a considerable number of years. As my marriage was always rocky, I didn’t want to bring a child into the world under a disadvantaged situation right from the start. I know that some people think that a baby will solve marital issues but I wasn’t of that mind. Anyway, that’s a subject for a different day. As life would have it, I seemed to have taken care of other people’s children along my life’s path. For several years, I had my ex-husband’s niece and nephew living with us when we first got married. They were teenagers, so I had the rebellion stage with which to attend. Then, later, I had the kids of my friends that I’d baby sit, so I became familiar with 5-10 year olds. I once taught school for middle kids so I had to learn what made them tick. In the end, I never had to feed, clothe, and shelter my own children. But the universe had a way of teaching me what this would have been like in a very surprising way, at least for me.

My parents moved out west closer to my brother as my father came down with Alzheimer’s disease. He passed in 2007 with my mother caring for him until the last day. Then she had to fend for herself with my brother looking in on her periodically. As the years went by, I travelled to her condo in Southern California to visit for a few days first yearly, then multiple times per year, then every 3 months. It may not seem like a lot but there was the week of preparation to leave my own home and my cat at the time, the actual trip and then the catching up afterwards. It was about a month of time for me dedicated to the one trip. My family never saw it that way. For them, it was just the few days I was out there. But when I was with my mother, it was 24/7. They would come over to my Mom’s place, bring some food, like bagels and feel like they had done their job. When I visited, I cooked, sometimes cleaned and took her places. I began to feel that I was really taking care of her. Then there were times that she wasn’t well during my visits when I had to take her to the doctor. A few times I had to take her in for an elective procedure – like her cataract surgery. During other times, she had illnesses like bronchitis or swollen legs wherein I had to take her to the doctor. Meanwhile, my doctor brother was at home oblivious to what I was handling for my mother. He never accepted that I was really helping him take care of her. Again, the universe had a strange twist of fate.

My brother, yes the same one that was a doctor, came down with cancer. He valiantly fought it for close to eight years, but in the end it took him down. Probably his poor eating habits, exercising very little and maintaining a very stressful practice as well as his private life didn’t help any either. His children and wife all had huge expectations of the lifestyle they wanted to lead and he was the breadwinner and played that role until his last day. He refused to stop working until he was totally incapacitated. In other words, retirement was not in his vocabulary. Well, rather unexpectedly, again  from my perspective, my younger brother who lived close to my mother died.

I was next in line to care for my aging mother. I quickly went out to California and began the role of primary caregiver for her, except it wasn’t a visit now, it was full time. To the surprise of the rest of the family (his wife and kids) I began to live there just returning home long enough to take care of my own home. This went on for 10 months with me doing all the activities of daily living for my mother; this included making her healthy meals, shopping to make sure food was in the house, maintaining the cleanliness of the condo to my standards (which included steaming the floors twice weekly for example), doing the laundry twice weekly and running her to all her appointment regardless of whether they were for doctors or to get her nails done. There’s a reason that people don’t have children at 70 years old. Being responsible for another person at this age is seriously tiring. I was more than tired. I was exhausted. Multiply what I was doing at her house with flying home and in a couple weeks, catching up at my house and then flying back to start all over again.

As time went on, my mother’s condition began to decline making it necessary to have outside support for just a few hours daily when I went away. After several trips and the world coming out of the pandemic, I decided that it was best to move my mother closer to me in Virginia. Understanding how stressed I was and that I was not going to fly back and forth forever, she agreed to move. Then I had to find a really nice place for her, pack her things, move her and then unpack her. Is this so different than a child leaving home and the parent helping them to move?

Although my Mom loved the place I chose and everyone quickly learned her name, her health took a turn for the worse within a few months. She had several falls, landed in the hospital for 4 days and the following month went on oxygen. Apparently all the years of smoking finally caught up with her. Well at 94.5 years old one can’t say that it shortened her life by much. She’s very lucky that my father made her stop smoking about 30 years ago. Unfortunately, she did gain about 30 pounds which she’s since lost over time with great difficulty. Currently, other medical problems are popping up. I still feel that for a woman that’s almost 95 years old, she’s led a fairly healthy life up to now with only a few medical blimps on the screen. Watching her decline in mental health is disheartening to say the least. Day by day she’s loosing cognitive ability to the extent that someone needs to watch her in the afternoon. There are activities were people come in during the morning hours and again at night so this is the main time for care coverage.

So just like a young child, that one must watch, make sure they brush their teeth, change their underwear, put on their glasses, go to the doctor and stay out of trouble, I’m watching and helping my mother. I get snacks for her in kid’s sizes, even giving her the twist off top yogurts that she really likes. She loves peanut butter and jelly on crackers, bananas and simple food. She’s eating more complicated food like salad less and less. I cut up her meat for her, but she’s eating about half of a portion these days. I open snack packs of nuts/raisins into a little bowl and she likes that. She sits in her recliner chair and closes her eyes most of the day.

Recently I bought an Amazon Echo Dot speaker where I can say, “Alexa, play Frank Sinatra for one hour”. She seems to really enjoy listening to her era of music and it appears to be very calming for her. I’m learning how to use this little device to provide wake up notices and alerts to go to the door to get her breakfast at a certain time as she can easily forget that it’s been delivered.

So now you have it- Food, clothing and shelter are now my responsibilities and all things in between. When her hearing aid gets lost I have to figure out how to get another one. I buy her new clothes and a new coat as it’s much colder here than where she came from. She still likes to sit in the sun on the front porch but there are few days when it’s warm enough for her as we approach December in Virginia.

As I leave my Mom after each visit, I wonder how much longer she has to live. Each day brings us closer to the last day. The thought tears at my heart every time I leave. I’ve also learned that as a caregiver, I can get lost in what I have to do for her, so I try to squeeze in some exercise and outside activities. All of this is not so different that a parent taking care of a child.

If this isn’t role reversal, what is? Everyone that lives long enough watches their parents’ age.  It’s just really hard when it’s your turn. Comments are always welcome.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

The downside of too much control

September 27, 2021

I grew up with depression-era parents where our opinion was neither asked for nor tolerated. We were ruled with an iron hand and expected to obey without question. I was scared to death of my father and although not as much of my mother, she had her ways of making me pay for not listening to her. She would get upset with me at the slightest provocation and wouldn’t speak to me like she did before my wedding. Forget that it’s supposed to be the happiest time in a young woman’s life, that’s just how my Mom was, and still is, frankly. You just didn’t want to get on the wrong side of her. So I really get that the next generation, raised by similar types of parents would allow the pendulum, so to speak, to swing the other way.

Misbehaving

So what are the up and the down side of this type of child raising? Certainly it’s a great idea to promote well-being in a child. Regardless of the child’s IQ or physical ability, he or she should be encouraged to do their best to succeed in life. Success should be judged individually and not against a yard stick of others. There will always be someone faster, smarter or slimmer out there, so what is this child good at? Perhaps they are kind, willing to share or a born leader. They may not be the best reader or understand calculus. We should promote and encourage each child for what they bring into this world. I saw an amazing story the other day about a beautiful woman born without legs. She was actually adopted by truly loving parents who supported her being the best she could be and she didn’t let them down. Her friends accepted that she was just a smaller version of what they knew as a person but she is really beautiful. This girl grew up not knowing limitations and went on to excel in acrobatics. Seeing her perform on the internet not only made me smile, it gave me a great sense of awe in the world we live in. She had beauty inside and out. So here is an example of supporting a child and having it work out.

There are many similar examples of parents teaching their kids to be self-sufficient and growing into productive, highly functioning adults that accept responsibility in the world. But what can go wrong when parents treat their kids as if the child is the center of the universe? We’ve all experienced the screaming kid in the restaurant where the parent is hardly noticing while the rest of the diners try to look away or somehow quickly finish their own meals to leave. It’s so annoying to listen to loud voices in a restaurant of any kind, let alone a screaming kid. One goes out to dinner to enjoy a meal otherwise, well, just stay home. Then there’s the similar situation on a plane. I’ve had very long flights where young children are either crying or fighting with each other while the parents don’t do any kind of productive parenting. When we were kids, we were given Dramamine and simply slept during the trip. It was better for everyone involved. If anyone disagrees with me, feel free to express your opinion since I’m certainly expressing mine.

So what else can happen when kids are given too much free rein? Well, in the case of my brother’s kids, they grew up with wonderful athletic skills as well as doing quite well in the academic department also. They were surrounded by friends and as they came from good looking parents they had no trouble finding boy/girl-friends. Thus by most standards they were good kids, doing well in school, getting good grades and being quite popular. So what happened when they hit the real world? Well, here’s where things get a bit dicey. Since just about everything had been done for them for way beyond the beginning of adulthood (normally, when kids graduate from college they go off to start their own careers and also pay for their own apartments/homes, food, clothing, cars, etc.) As their parents could afford it, the kids continued to get their way paid for and to have their way with most things well into the next decade. When they hit a snag, like the girl had an argument with her long-time boyfriend, she just left him. If I said anything to her that she didn’t like, even casually, she’d act really snippy with me. And the boy began to exhibit extreme anger tendencies when things didn’t go his way, even to the point of personal attacks reminiscent of a much younger person. In other words, they were both rather emotionally immature because they didn’t learn much from the school of hard knocks. Their parents had so protected them from the world, when the world finally came in around them, they kind of failed the test from my vantage point. That’s not to say that they will never learn, but they haven’t learned yet.

If it seems that I have an axe to grind, you are correct, but I won’t air my dirty laundry. The general idea is enough for you to get my point. Too much control isn’t good just as too little control isn’t either. Like most things in life, we need to find balance.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

How we get programmed by simple actions

July 10, 2016

Ever give your dog or cat a treat? Do it once and they will demand it forever! So in the end, who is training who? I have a friend who taught his cat Sherman to sit up and give the paw before providing milk as a treat. Before too long Sherman was prancing into the kitchen, sitting himself down and offering the paw as if to say, “ok, big guy, where’s the milk?” If my friend ignored him, Sherman would resort to pawing the dishwasher and meowing loudly until he got what he wanted – the milk! It’s pretty funny, but that’s how it went.

Sherman with the paw for milk

Sherman with the paw for milk

Now I have a similar story relating to my own cat Skylar who, after getting crunches on top of his soft food only once as an incentive to eat would then refuse to eat without the added bonus. The cat could be starving, but would just sit and look at me like, “Are you kidding? You want me to eat that?” of course, not wanting him to go too long without food I’d give him what he wanted. Now the crunches are a stable and no longer a treat.

But isn’t this how life is? If we’re given a bonus at work too often, we come to expect it. Or, more likely, certain behaviors from friends and family say a significant other takes us out regularly or perhaps a child gets good grades in school. So much for that new behavior being special, since if rewarded too often, it’s expected and no longer appreciated. Thus we move into the taken for granted mode.

It’s easy to fall into this trap. Take a look around your life and see where you’ve been programmed or perhaps where you’ve programmed those around you. Do your kids expect multiple vacations, gifts and treats per year because you did it once and now they think it’s normal and so expected? Think about whether you should re-program certain areas of your life for the better to bring things back into proper balance. Is all that behavior, whatever “that is” really necessary?

Only then can we have true gratitude and appreciation for what’s truly special in our lives. That’s how it’s supposed to be! Let me know how it goes..

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Doing the Right Thing

March 8, 2016

Life can be complicated. Heck, it’s most often complicated. And on top of it there is usually more than one way to get things done. When we look at all the variables and the options to attack our problems, sometimes there are short cuts, ways around the issues, or even methods that may be a bit nefarious. Ah oh! What happens when we choose to cut corners, snip a bit off the end of something to save time or take the low road rather than the high road? This is called taking the easy way out and is not the spiritual way; that is, thinking or doing in this manner will not serve us in the long run. Anything that doesn’t serve us, certainly doesn’t serve our soul growth, so why do it?

This leads us to a better understanding of doing the right thing. It’s obviously not easy to do the right thing when there are other options. If there were only one option, it would be easy. But this isn’t the way the world was built. We are usually given challenges so that we come out of the situation stronger than when we went in. As souls in a body, we’re given a choice – we can move towards the higher path towards the light or take the low road towards the darkness. Without a choice, there would be no challenges and therefore no way to ever overcome difficulties; thus, we would be in a world where we wouldn’t know the difference between the light or the darkness. So when we have issues, understand that these problems are not thorns in your side, but opportunities to grow and become stronger. Without hills to climb our legs would never have a chance to know their limits for example. The same is true of our spiritual and moral bodies. Only by stretching our limits can we grow, become better people and move forward on our spiritual path.

lightdarkIn the end, doing the right thing may be harder, but it is usually more rewarding. This has been my experience. I’ve found that with challenges in my life, moving through the tunnel of difficulty eventually brings me to the light; how wonderful it feels to get there. And, often there are unexpected rewards. It’s also my experience that when we follow the light and do the right thing, goodness follows us also.

Leave a Comment » | Inspiration, inspirational stories, Law of Abundance, personal development, Spirituality, The Law of Attraction, universal principles | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Conspicious Consumption

January 14, 2015

I started taking a great Zumba class, but there I was in regular aerobic shoes. I looked around and most of the class had on cute, colorful shoes. It’s pretty hard to see the brand name or model type while people are jumping up and down, but I tried to figure out what model/style/brand was most popular. Then I went on-line and started a six-month journey into the world of shoes appropriate for Zumba. What I found during my personal journey are probably not isolated incidences. I’m sure that others have had similar experiences in trying to find shoes that not only fit properly, but are fit for the specific purpose.

ImageHere are just some of the situations that I got into.

We’re in an on-line world these days, so that’s where I started. I looked up reviews for Zumba shoes and found a few advertised. Then I read, read, read reviews and found no real agreement on which shoes were good or not. Some Zumba instructors loved one brand/style while some users disliked the very same shoes. Well, so much for individual tastes and feet. Then there was the buying experience. Perhaps the one pair was a lemon and just wasn’t made to the size, shape or material conformance that the other pair was held up to and thus the user had a different experience. Maybe it was a different factory that actually made that pair; after all, most of these aerobic shoes are made in China, Thailand, or some other part of Asia. There must be hundreds of factories with varying degrees of quality control.

I finally got to the point of jumping in, no pun intended, and bought a pair of PUMA’s with cell technology. They were very smart looking with a pink/orange wave of color and a rubbery cell bottom. Unfortunately this same bottom stuck to the wood floor and caused my ankles to hurt within the first month. I persevered nonetheless until I was in real pain, and then finally gave up.  At this point, the on-line store refused to take them back and referred me to the manufacturer who gave me a store credit. Their store site was more expensive which forced me (sort of) to select a more expensive pair of aerobic shoes in the hopes that if I spent even more money perhaps I would get a better result. The selected pair was even worse. Although touted as being wonderful for dance (Zumba is a kind of latin exercise), there was little to no arch support. Ok, I learned that I needed more support. Back these went and being new I got a full refund. I accepted that the first pair would just have to be worn for exercise other than Zumba.

Still determined to buy a pair of shoes suitable for Zumba, I tried again. I really like my New Balance walking shoes so I went on the NB website and a chat box opened asking me if I wanted help. Once I went down that rabbit hole I eventually called them and got a very nice man who told me about a shoe that NB was making just for Zumba. Really? He seemed very sincere when he told me that the staff was really into Zumba and developed this particular model after experience with taking classes. Ok, I thought, I’ve found the right shoe. Yes, but for me? I tried this one and although there wasn’t enough room at the toe to be called “too big”, as I walked I felt like I was walking on the tip of my toes (I could feel my toes on the ground as I walked). Guess you had to be there. Anyway, after two classes these shoes went back. Didn’t work for me. I felt really bad since I liked the shoe and I liked the salesman.

With each try I’m spending more and more money, going way over my normal limit for aerobic shoes. I was responding not only to advertising to buy the fancier models but also what I saw in my Zumba class – women who were also yielding to the so-called need for a feature rich shoe for a specific kind of exercise. Oh, if I only had stock in these companies that are producing bright pink, neo-green and bright orange-soled shoes for Zumba that cost $60 and up!

Try Again.

Except that these relatively expensive shoes didn’t fit me properly, hurt my feet, hurt my ankles, etc. In most cases I was able to return them after finding out that they didn’t work for me. But, it took a lot of my time. I finally decided that I needed to physically go to a store and try on shoes. Just when I planned to go to the nearby outlet, a friend suggested a low end department store that carried a selection of aerobic shoes for both men and women. There were some on sale, some that were brand names but mostly not what I’d seem at my gym classes. Previously, I was aiming at a cross-trainer based on the reviews. However, I decided to change my approach and use my own judgment. What a concept? I simply looked at the bottom of a shoe with a solid sole, good arch support, and reasonably flat bottom so that it wouldn’t catch on the floor and voila – I found the Fila dynamic action running shoe. It had a bright pink sole (really cool looking), black with pink edges for the laces (fits right in with the Zumba theme) and a smooth bottom. Then I tried them on. I found that I wore ½ size smaller with this brand which gave me a much more solid foundation than the others I had tried. I had satisfied my needs – good fit, ½ price (only $39), good looking and felt good on the floor. Even though they were not a popular brand for Zumba I finally realized that conspicuous consumption didn’t fit into my lifestyle. I felt good about my purpose and could move on to other things. Enough with the exercise shoes!

 

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