Knowing when to let go of relationships

February 24, 2014

Life as we know it in the physical plane is not meant to be lived alone. We are here to learn lessons and that usually means that we need to mirror those lessons against others, whether it is at home with family and friends, or at work. We can try to protect ourselves from the pain and vulnerability of being in relationships, but that normally only serves to stunt our growth; thus, such an approach is counterproductive. We may save a bit of heartache by not being in relationship, but we will also suffer loneliness, alienation, and perhaps depression. Thus, what we try to get away from will come back to bite us.

One of the important characteristics of the physical world, in which the soul is born, is that it is a duality. That is, we have choices which must be made carefully in order to keep us out of trouble. Making choices that are in our best interest and for the highest good of all concerned is where the concept of discernment comes into play. There is always a continuum for any situation – a good choice for us but not so good for others; a bad choice for us but perhaps better for others; and then there are choices which take both sides into account and play out in such a way that soul growth for the individual is possible while taking into account the welfare of the others in the equation. This is how the best relationships are conducted.

ImageAnd then there is how we get into relationships in the first place. I believe that every person we come into contact with for more than a mere glance is meant to teach us some lesson at a soul level. It is always our choice if we are ready and willing to learn the lesson, however. So let’s say that we meet someone and we see signs that there are lessons to be learned. The signs can come in many forms – there can be synchronicities in birthdays, colors that both people wear at the same time, just the feeling/knowing, a dream or angelic revelation, etc. Sometimes each has some trait that is opposite in the other – such as one is overly masculine and needs to take on more feminine energy whereas the other is overly feminine and needs to take on more masculine energy. As the relationship progresses, the lesson unfolds.

Learning lessons can be challenging and can cause friction in the relationship making continuing difficult. Perhaps this is why so many marriages break up over what seems like small things. People talk about money, the other’s friends, not sharing interests, etc. but what is the real reason? I believe it goes much deeper; way down to the soul level. And, once the lesson is learned, whether it took a few days, weeks, months or years, the two could well part. Of course, there are many relationships that continue on even after the point where the learning has stopped and just the friction remains causing great consternation among those involved. When the two finally part, it’s normally in anger with years of trauma to overcome.

I hope that when it’s time to end a relationship, I’ll know the point at which it’s time to end and do so with the most loving heart possible. The goal is to have a win-win for both parties. Tell each other what was good in the relationship, holding back on what didn’t work so well, letting go of the negatives long enough so as to not destroy the other’s ego. Letting go in this manner saves face and is not only in the best interest of both parties, it takes into consideration that releasing someone in love sets forth the same energy to come to you. So let go with love and light and be in abundance so that you welcome in an even better situation next time.

Be Wary of Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing!

October 23, 2013

It’s flattering when someone approaches you with friendship. Everyone wants to feel cared for, wanted, and desired, even if it’s as a friend. So when someone new comes into your life with whom you get along and you feel there’s friend potential, it’s natural to brighten at the prospect. But not all friend requests are given without ulterior motives – thus, remember the old adage of

“Be wary of wolves in sheep’s clothing!”


Look closely at friend requests however, since in some cases there’s a hidden agenda. Sometimes, what is offered in friendship comes with a steep price tag – in other words, it’s not offered without strings attached as one would prefer. Growing up, I always tried to make friends with anyone that offered an outstretched hand and in some cases I got burned. You would think that such experience would have made me more cautious, but I guess the desire to have more friends gets the better of me. I do have good judgment in most things; it’s just sometimes I give people too much credit for always doing what I would do – which is the right thing.

Even in the face of adversity, I still say that there is always a reason that people meet; there are always life lessons to be learned and perhaps even more so when challenges are present. So here’s my latest tale of betrayal.

When a new “friend” that I had met at a retreat several months prior called indicating her desire to attend a spiritual conference, she presented the situation as if she couldn’t do it alone. She asked if she could fly into the airport near my home, drive down to the program with me as well as share a room while there. As we’d have to leave first thing in the morning, this arrangement meant that she’d have to fly in the day before, stay at my house and do the reverse on the way home. Thinking that I was establishing a new, budding relationship that had international travel potential, I readily agreed. So I opened my home to her which meant extra cleaning, making dinner, and helping her prepare food to take for the 4 days we would be in attendance. Since I was taking food so as not to have to eat all my meals out, I felt like this was the right thing to do. And, at least initially, she seemed to respect and appreciate my nurturing nature. That is, until we arrived at the hotel after the 4-hour drive, during which was partially in torrents of rain.

As we got out of the car at the hotel, her personality shifted. It was as if she changed from a kind person into a creature that I didn’t know. She began to push back at whatever I tried to do; suddenly I was “pushy”, “impatient”, etc. when I tried to leave the room to drive to the program allowing enough time to park. Although there was a shuttle that could take her from the hotel to the program eight blocks down the street, she insisted upon driving with me, but making me wait on her. Being a life coach was of great help in keeping my cool as I felt like throwing her out the window into the pouring rain. I felt that I had to maintain my sanity as we had 4 days together and this was just the beginning. And so it went. No matter what we were doing, she pushed back which served to distance me as much as possible during the day while at the program. But at night, we were in the room together. She didn’t like the A/C, so insisted upon leaving the sliding door open which made the room warm and quite stuffy making my sleep difficult.

By the fourth day, I was ready to leave her there, but I knew that the universe had put her in my path for a reason; however, I was having trouble figuring out the reason. Then it came to me. There is such a thing as doing too much for someone so that they just don’t appreciate it. There is also being too nice. Apparently, I was just a convenience to her.  I drove and she was sharing with me. I could have told her off, but it would have made out time together even worse. There is no doubt she’s a very needy person who has to be around people who mirror how wonderful she is and when I wasn’t doing that, she became moody. By Sunday, I was sending out energy of “make one false move and I will leave you here”. She got up early, dressed without incident and we were ready to leave by 8 AM without my saying one word to her. I guess she figured if she wanted a ride back with me she had to go back to behaving.

The 4-hour drive home was done in total silence through a tropical storm. It’s true that I had to concentrate but it was also true that I didn’t have words for her either. We finally got back to my house and we both stayed in our respective rooms for the day. I didn’t feel obligated to entertain her. I was really tired after not sleeping for days. When I mentioned that I couldn’t go to exercise in the morning due to when I had to go to the airport to take her, she opted to take a taxi.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was when she was finally gone. I cleaned for several days to get her energy out of the house. I also had to change and wash the sheets from the guest room. Although she did thank me as she left, I’ve not gotten a note – but that doesn’t surprise me. All in all, this experience has been a huge lesson. When I do travel, I will not have a roommate. Also, I will be more discerning who I welcome as a friend. Now I will remember the wolves in sheep’s clothing!




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