Five Days Without My Baby

April 17, 2011

It’s been five days since my little boy Hercules crossed over Rainbow Bridge. Since then, there’s no one to wake me in the morning, so I sleep too much. I awaken tearful and my heart in pain without his dear touches on my face, “Mommy it’s time to get up”. There’s no one to interrupt me during the day to say, “Stop and let me love you”, so I just keep working and working. There’s no one to say, “Feed me, I’m hungry”, so I don’t realize that I’ve gone all day without eating as food doesn’t seem important. There’s no one to tell me to sit and watch TV so we can be together on the sofa, so I feel isolated in my aloneness. Hercules isn’t here to say, “Mommy, come to bed now. I want you to sleep with me”, so I stay up too late. And the cycle goes on. My life has a huge hole in it. I have to learn to manage my own life rather than have it managed by my love for this little angel that left me.

Hercules, when did it happen that you grew up from being such a little baby to getting so old and dying? Is this what it’s like to see children age? I’ve never had children so I’ve never had the experience of seeing children grow up. Hopefully, most parents don’t have to endure the passing of their own children. With pets, they just don’t live that long. But 17 years is close to 1/3 of my life. Hercules lived with me through the end of my marriage, through my divorce and through the years since. He’s weathered my trials and tribulations and he’s been a trooper through it all.

There were times when I wasn’t as patient as I should have been with his constant demand for attention. Sometimes, when I was working in my study, I would tell him, “Not now, Mommy has to work.” Isn’t this what parents do, thinking that there will be more time when they can be together?” There comes a point, when time runs out.

Last year when he lost a tooth I realized that the time just might be running out and I began to thank God every day for each additional day we had together. Every day I held my angel in my arms and told him how much I loved him. He knew every day how much he was loved until the dementia clouded his mind. Then I think he still knew somewhere inside. Even on the last day when he walked around in circles, he still wanted to be with me, have me hold him and so it was a good day. The final moments were good. He ate well and yet we both knew it was time for him to pass on.

As I sit here typing this note, I’m crying for my baby. But now he talks to me in my head. He tells me, “Mommy, don’t cry. I’m ok. Mommy, go out and play. I don’t want you to be sad. I have lots of friends here to play with. It’s a nice place. Please be happy. Enjoy your life. I will watch over you now as you did for me all those years. I love you Mommy. “

I love you too Hercules. I hope that God is looking out for you and keeping you in the light. You are a dear angel and I know that if it’s possible, you are looking out for me.


Check out my Slide Show!

July 24, 2010

Being in the Right Place at the Right Time

April 8, 2010

Every wonder how you just happen to be in the right place at the right time? Do you thing it’s a coincidence or do you believe that you are divinely guided? I subscribe to the later philosophy. Here’s a great example that happened on my recent visit to my Mom in Palm Springs, CA.

We were at the local strip shopping mall, having left the grocery store, and passing a couple with a cute dog sitting in the lovely cafe area just outside on the patio area. The dog was so adorable, I couldn’t help myself, and stopped to pet the little feller as I often do in such cases. Then I looked up at the owners, sitting on either side of their beloved frisky, tail wagging friend. Before I knew it, we were all in a conversation of “where do you come from?, where do you live?, what are you doing here?… etc. etc.” I had my newly-released inspirational memoir in the car, having conducted a book-signing just a day or so before during my visit there, always ready for an impromptu sale and or autograph session.

Apparently, the couple, about 60 years old, were visiting the area from LA and were enjoying a cold drink before heading back to their rented condo. The husband – Michael,  had just lost his mother and was grieving terribly. So much so, that even in the shade, he was continuing to wear his sunglasses to hide his eyes reddened from crying (I later found out from his wife). After hearing me provide the introduction to my book – that my father had communicated with me after he died to provide hope to my mother that there was more to life for – he was very interested. At that moment, I realized the car wasn’t close enough – I needed to carry copies of my book with me. Michael got my Mom’s phone number indicating that he indeed wanted a copy and would come by.

Michael followed through and while I was walking the next morning, he came over and bought the book. In addition, he made real contact with my Mom, for he needed some TLC that only another mother could provide. My mother was happy to have found Michael and has had considerable contact with him since, even inviting him over for dinner while his wife was traveling out of town.

So it all worked out perfectly. I connected with people that needed to meet both me – for my book – and my mother – for her surrogate mothering. In turn, Mom was happy to make the acquaintance of new people that she could relate to. The day went well for all concerned. Was it an accident that I stopped and spoke to them? I don’t think so. Do you?


The Circle of Life – A Journey Through Grief to Understanding – books are available!

March 4, 2010

After months of editing, interior formatting, cover design and lots of hic cups in the process, my books are printed! The first copies were shipped this week and copies are on hand. I sent out the first orders as well as some complementary review copies today.

My goal is to generate interest via blogging here, guest blogging (please invite me) and through contacting organizations such as Hospice, Alzheimer’s Assn/Foundation, the Association for Research and Enlightenment, as well as other grief/holistic/spiritual groups.

Please contact me with ideas on how to market on a shoe string. Also, my book is perfect for book groups or the subject of a study group on after death communication, spiritual laws and/or the circle of life (divine order).

Just in time, right on queue, now that the heavy lifting is about up, a consulting position is looking promising to bring me more income and financial security once again. The universe is truly working according to a divine plan. When you continue to have faith in the process, the process works.


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