Navigating Toxic Friendships: When to Let Go

June 17, 2025

There are ups and downs with friends as with every other type of relationship. However, when things become too one-sided or even abusive, it may be time to let go. In other words, it’s time to just give up being friends with this person. This happened to me recently with a 7-year friendship that I’ve come to realize is just draining me and is causing stress in my life. As I’ve aged, I have realized that if those around me are not adding to my life, then they are detracting from it. Something must change or be changed. Here is my generalized story of a derailed friendship.

Many families have dramas. In fact, I don’t know of any people around me that don’t have some kind of issues or drama in their lives or within their extended families. Perhaps there is a medical crisis going on, someone in the hospital, dealing with an illness or even a terminal situation. There are mood disorders such as ADHD, bipolar, autism and/ or narcissism that I’ve seen in those around me. Each of these mental handicaps have their own spectrum of debilitation and or frustrations for those near, whether family or friends.

In my own life, I’ve dealt with boyfriends that have suffered from many of these mental unstable emotional issues filling my life with turmoil. I once asked a psychic why I had so many such men in my life to which I was told, “because you have a karmic obligation to be patient and to help them navigate their lives while with you”. Every day, week, month or year that I spent with people of this unbalanced nature caused me to wonder if my world was upside down since their thinking was so out of kilter. I had to learn to stay balanced during chaos.

And so it went. I met L. (short for the guy in question) about seven years ago when he came to my town to visit his family. We met at a ballroom dance and eventually dated while he was local. Even after he left, we have kept in touch with sporadic calls and text messages. His normal conversations are more like rants about his family drama even though over the years I’d had much of my own, having gone through a brother’s death, his children trying to take over care of my mother from me and then having to care for her over a 2 year period until her death.

During my own turmoil, I was present for my friend L. He was always fixated on his situation and although appeared to be listening, he was most probably multitasking on his computer. With his extreme ADHD he is constantly doing multiple things as his mind races. He only eats when his body forces him to and tends to sleep any time of the day when he just can’t stay awake any longer. When we’ve been together, he has led a more normal life since I eat and sleep normally – he has managed to do so. Apparently, my energy has been a calming influence on him. I felt that I was helping him in this way.

My description of L has been the case until more recently when I decided to make a visit to his home, which is in our northern neighbor, Canada. From where I live, it’s just a quick 2-hour flight. I stopped in to see him last October during a visit to his area allowing some time for my own activities and he was very receptive, keeping in mind that I paid for all that we did together. He didn’t even offer me tea during our afternoon breaks. I recognized that his finances were stretched, but staying in my room, there was a nice sofa in the living area, sharing my breakfast and then going out to dinner with me, it would have been a nice gesture to pay for a simple tea. Although I enjoyed his company while there, mostly because he was calmer than when we conversed on the phone and was willing to hang out doing what I wanted to do. That’s nice, but in the end, paying for a man for everything does get old.

This time, I decided to visit for a full week and go from one city to another one a few hours away by train. He agreed to go with me even though he’d been before. I guess he figured that I’d pay for everything. When I asked him if he could cover his train fare, he said, “maybe”. I’m not sure what kind of answer that is. Either one has $135 or nor. I don’t understand “maybe”. I needed to book my trip and eventually made the arrangement to fly into his city so that he could accompany me to the second one. In hindsight, this was a mistake as it’s possible to just fly there and then take the train one way back. I didn’t want to pay for two people to go back and forth when I could have done it much simpler in the first place.

Then I also booked the trip for when he was available – mid – July, a much busier tourist season, rather than the end of June, which was preferable for me. I don’t mind cooler weather when it’s not as crowded. In accommodating him, I’m going during warmer, and possibly wetter weather, in tourist time and when I’m missing something that might have been possible. One can look towards other’s welfare more than their own. Now I’m very sorry that I did this, since his attitude of late has made me realize that he really doesn’t want to go since he doesn’t want to spend money period. Being with me is ok, as long as I’m the bank. I’ve decided that this doesn’t work for me. Unfortunately, I figured the whole thing out late.

In the end, I wrote to him that it just seems like it’s a bad time to come to visit him and that our plans together are cancelled. That said, my plans are not cancelled. If it was easier to change my air I would do so, but there are other expenses already incurred that make this adjustment impossible now. Oh well. I will go and do the trip as I wish. Letting go has released me from a great deal of stress. Of course, he had some redeeming qualities that I will miss, but not enough to continue. Discernment is necessary in selecting friends – who to spend time with and who to allow to use your time.

I’ve learned a big lesson. I will not allow myself to give into the whims of others nor for me to be used again. I also realize now that the planetary alignment is happening this coming weekend. It’s a time to let go of what’s not aligned with one’s mission and /or higher calling. Letting go of L. is part of my need to let go since it’s not in alignment with my mission. What are you considering it’s time to let go of?

Comments are always welcome.

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Discernment from guidance

July 30, 2020

As a spiritual person, one can be called by our guides and angels to assist others – whether as an individual or a group to move towards the light. I recently had experiences representing both of these types of “SOS assistance calls” to which I responded. Although I feel good that I did respond, I also learned my own lesson of discernment. Discernment is ascertaining just when to start trusting, assisting while maintaining one’s own boundaries, in any type of relationship.

My first personal lesson of discernment concerns a spiritual group to which I belong; in fact, it is the group from which I was ordained 11 years ago. My favorite saying is that some spiritual people are not so spiritual. The reason I say this is that the human ego is present in all of us on this physical dimension, and even those souls who profess to be spiritual can have an overactive sense of self-importance. Case in point is the various leaders of this particular group who have taken over after the original self-less leader led the way for over 30 years. I give people who are dedicated to a cause much credit, so don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the role that they play. It’s just that when they ask me for help and I comply, they have tended to give me a really hard time.  

 The most recent situation that has me rather irked is where I spent time developing a meditation for their Friday night service. The program that I developed was well received by this particular leader. I was then informed of the date when it would be aired on Facebook live. I did the work on my own in order to help the organization promote their spiritual message. That said, it is common practice to provide creators of programs credit for their work. My bio and hi resolution photo had been requested but it was never posted on the website. Although their website did note a program to be held that evening, there was no mention of my meditation. I tuned in that evening to hear the pastor give her talk and then my meditation came on. Unless one was online and just listened there would be no way for anyone to find it on the website later. This is contrasted to other visiting people doing programs and being very much recognized. Just to make the point that I don’t develop these programs for personal gain nor recognition, but it’s only right to give someone credit.

I did send a note to the leader indicating what I thought was a mistake and asking for it to be corrected. I never got a thank you for the program nor did I receive any indication that my concern would be acknowledged. I made a tough decision not to make further contributions for this group. I didn’t call and complain. I just will step back. If I decide to develop other programs, I will post them here for my readers to see. So my discernment is that this type of unrecognized behavior is only using me and does not serve me to do anymore for them. It’s a basic rule of the universe that when we give out we should get something back, not necessarily money, but some exchange of energy to preserve the balance of nature. Apparently, the so-called spiritual people involved are not so spiritual.

The second example involved an individual that I felt called to help. A few weeks ago I came into contact with a man who was had recently separated from his marriage. Normally, I stay clear of this type of situation knowing from past experience that it doesn’t go well. Newly separated people have so much baggage to process, yet in this case I felt that guidance wanted me to assist him. Our initial contacts were cordial but after a couple weeks it became clear that he wanted to go out. I agreed to meet for dinner thinking that he just wanted a friend with whom to hang out.

Unfortunately, after just a couple weeks of interactions, he became controlling, manipulative and although I could see it coming, he had some endearing qualities which were engulfing me. I was in a quandary. I knew better than get involved, yet I felt myself slipping. My desire to help him, after so many years of life coaching this is a trait that is hard to leave behind, yet he was attaching to me very quickly. He was an energy vampire and it was taking its toll on me. Everything that happened to him was a major drama and as I tried to help him sort it out, I was getting more sucked in. I didn’t want to be his life coach, nor his therapist so my comments stopped at suggestions that I would make to any friend. Still I could feel my own energy draining.

Finally, this past weekend, my angels gave me the signal. It was time for it all to end. The balance point had been tipped. He was really wound and did some things that I couldn’t stand for which gave me cause to be snippy to him. My goal was to give him reason to end it with me so that he could save face. It worked since by the end of the day he was upset. That evening, he sent me a “good-bye” text. I was very happy. My plan had worked. I had been concerned that he would disintegrate if I walked away from him. Sometimes this approach is necessary. The very next day he tried to communicate with me but I didn’t respond. I now feel better. Whatever help I was supposed to provide, I did so until the balance point was reached. This is discernment in action. It’s good to help others but we must watch out for ourselves. I’ve also let my guides know that I’m done with this type of assistance in the future!

 Comments are always welcome.

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Knowing when to let go of relationships

February 24, 2014

Life as we know it in the physical plane is not meant to be lived alone. We are here to learn lessons and that usually means that we need to mirror those lessons against others, whether it is at home with family and friends, or at work. We can try to protect ourselves from the pain and vulnerability of being in relationships, but that normally only serves to stunt our growth; thus, such an approach is counterproductive. We may save a bit of heartache by not being in relationship, but we will also suffer loneliness, alienation, and perhaps depression. Thus, what we try to get away from will come back to bite us.

One of the important characteristics of the physical world, in which the soul is born, is that it is a duality. That is, we have choices which must be made carefully in order to keep us out of trouble. Making choices that are in our best interest and for the highest good of all concerned is where the concept of discernment comes into play. There is always a continuum for any situation – a good choice for us but not so good for others; a bad choice for us but perhaps better for others; and then there are choices which take both sides into account and play out in such a way that soul growth for the individual is possible while taking into account the welfare of the others in the equation. This is how the best relationships are conducted.

ImageAnd then there is how we get into relationships in the first place. I believe that every person we come into contact with for more than a mere glance is meant to teach us some lesson at a soul level. It is always our choice if we are ready and willing to learn the lesson, however. So let’s say that we meet someone and we see signs that there are lessons to be learned. The signs can come in many forms – there can be synchronicities in birthdays, colors that both people wear at the same time, just the feeling/knowing, a dream or angelic revelation, etc. Sometimes each has some trait that is opposite in the other – such as one is overly masculine and needs to take on more feminine energy whereas the other is overly feminine and needs to take on more masculine energy. As the relationship progresses, the lesson unfolds.

Learning lessons can be challenging and can cause friction in the relationship making continuing difficult. Perhaps this is why so many marriages break up over what seems like small things. People talk about money, the other’s friends, not sharing interests, etc. but what is the real reason? I believe it goes much deeper; way down to the soul level. And, once the lesson is learned, whether it took a few days, weeks, months or years, the two could well part. Of course, there are many relationships that continue on even after the point where the learning has stopped and just the friction remains causing great consternation among those involved. When the two finally part, it’s normally in anger with years of trauma to overcome.

I hope that when it’s time to end a relationship, I’ll know the point at which it’s time to end and do so with the most loving heart possible. The goal is to have a win-win for both parties. Tell each other what was good in the relationship, holding back on what didn’t work so well, letting go of the negatives long enough so as to not destroy the other’s ego. Letting go in this manner saves face and is not only in the best interest of both parties, it takes into consideration that releasing someone in love sets forth the same energy to come to you. So let go with love and light and be in abundance so that you welcome in an even better situation next time.

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Be Wary of Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing!

October 23, 2013

It’s flattering when someone approaches you with friendship. Everyone wants to feel cared for, wanted, and desired, even if it’s as a friend. So when someone new comes into your life with whom you get along and you feel there’s friend potential, it’s natural to brighten at the prospect. But not all friend requests are given without ulterior motives – thus, remember the old adage of

“Be wary of wolves in sheep’s clothing!”

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Look closely at friend requests however, since in some cases there’s a hidden agenda. Sometimes, what is offered in friendship comes with a steep price tag – in other words, it’s not offered without strings attached as one would prefer. Growing up, I always tried to make friends with anyone that offered an outstretched hand and in some cases I got burned. You would think that such experience would have made me more cautious, but I guess the desire to have more friends gets the better of me. I do have good judgment in most things; it’s just sometimes I give people too much credit for always doing what I would do – which is the right thing.

Even in the face of adversity, I still say that there is always a reason that people meet; there are always life lessons to be learned and perhaps even more so when challenges are present. So here’s my latest tale of betrayal.

When a new “friend” that I had met at a retreat several months prior called indicating her desire to attend a spiritual conference, she presented the situation as if she couldn’t do it alone. She asked if she could fly into the airport near my home, drive down to the program with me as well as share a room while there. As we’d have to leave first thing in the morning, this arrangement meant that she’d have to fly in the day before, stay at my house and do the reverse on the way home. Thinking that I was establishing a new, budding relationship that had international travel potential, I readily agreed. So I opened my home to her which meant extra cleaning, making dinner, and helping her prepare food to take for the 4 days we would be in attendance. Since I was taking food so as not to have to eat all my meals out, I felt like this was the right thing to do. And, at least initially, she seemed to respect and appreciate my nurturing nature. That is, until we arrived at the hotel after the 4-hour drive, during which was partially in torrents of rain.

As we got out of the car at the hotel, her personality shifted. It was as if she changed from a kind person into a creature that I didn’t know. She began to push back at whatever I tried to do; suddenly I was “pushy”, “impatient”, etc. when I tried to leave the room to drive to the program allowing enough time to park. Although there was a shuttle that could take her from the hotel to the program eight blocks down the street, she insisted upon driving with me, but making me wait on her. Being a life coach was of great help in keeping my cool as I felt like throwing her out the window into the pouring rain. I felt that I had to maintain my sanity as we had 4 days together and this was just the beginning. And so it went. No matter what we were doing, she pushed back which served to distance me as much as possible during the day while at the program. But at night, we were in the room together. She didn’t like the A/C, so insisted upon leaving the sliding door open which made the room warm and quite stuffy making my sleep difficult.

By the fourth day, I was ready to leave her there, but I knew that the universe had put her in my path for a reason; however, I was having trouble figuring out the reason. Then it came to me. There is such a thing as doing too much for someone so that they just don’t appreciate it. There is also being too nice. Apparently, I was just a convenience to her.  I drove and she was sharing with me. I could have told her off, but it would have made out time together even worse. There is no doubt she’s a very needy person who has to be around people who mirror how wonderful she is and when I wasn’t doing that, she became moody. By Sunday, I was sending out energy of “make one false move and I will leave you here”. She got up early, dressed without incident and we were ready to leave by 8 AM without my saying one word to her. I guess she figured if she wanted a ride back with me she had to go back to behaving.

The 4-hour drive home was done in total silence through a tropical storm. It’s true that I had to concentrate but it was also true that I didn’t have words for her either. We finally got back to my house and we both stayed in our respective rooms for the day. I didn’t feel obligated to entertain her. I was really tired after not sleeping for days. When I mentioned that I couldn’t go to exercise in the morning due to when I had to go to the airport to take her, she opted to take a taxi.

I can’t tell you how relieved I was when she was finally gone. I cleaned for several days to get her energy out of the house. I also had to change and wash the sheets from the guest room. Although she did thank me as she left, I’ve not gotten a note – but that doesn’t surprise me. All in all, this experience has been a huge lesson. When I do travel, I will not have a roommate. Also, I will be more discerning who I welcome as a friend. Now I will remember the wolves in sheep’s clothing!

  

 

 

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