Navigating Toxic Friendships: When to Let Go

June 17, 2025

There are ups and downs with friends as with every other type of relationship. However, when things become too one-sided or even abusive, it may be time to let go. In other words, it’s time to just give up being friends with this person. This happened to me recently with a 7-year friendship that I’ve come to realize is just draining me and is causing stress in my life. As I’ve aged, I have realized that if those around me are not adding to my life, then they are detracting from it. Something must change or be changed. Here is my generalized story of a derailed friendship.

Many families have dramas. In fact, I don’t know of any people around me that don’t have some kind of issues or drama in their lives or within their extended families. Perhaps there is a medical crisis going on, someone in the hospital, dealing with an illness or even a terminal situation. There are mood disorders such as ADHD, bipolar, autism and/ or narcissism that I’ve seen in those around me. Each of these mental handicaps have their own spectrum of debilitation and or frustrations for those near, whether family or friends.

In my own life, I’ve dealt with boyfriends that have suffered from many of these mental unstable emotional issues filling my life with turmoil. I once asked a psychic why I had so many such men in my life to which I was told, “because you have a karmic obligation to be patient and to help them navigate their lives while with you”. Every day, week, month or year that I spent with people of this unbalanced nature caused me to wonder if my world was upside down since their thinking was so out of kilter. I had to learn to stay balanced during chaos.

And so it went. I met L. (short for the guy in question) about seven years ago when he came to my town to visit his family. We met at a ballroom dance and eventually dated while he was local. Even after he left, we have kept in touch with sporadic calls and text messages. His normal conversations are more like rants about his family drama even though over the years I’d had much of my own, having gone through a brother’s death, his children trying to take over care of my mother from me and then having to care for her over a 2 year period until her death.

During my own turmoil, I was present for my friend L. He was always fixated on his situation and although appeared to be listening, he was most probably multitasking on his computer. With his extreme ADHD he is constantly doing multiple things as his mind races. He only eats when his body forces him to and tends to sleep any time of the day when he just can’t stay awake any longer. When we’ve been together, he has led a more normal life since I eat and sleep normally – he has managed to do so. Apparently, my energy has been a calming influence on him. I felt that I was helping him in this way.

My description of L has been the case until more recently when I decided to make a visit to his home, which is in our northern neighbor, Canada. From where I live, it’s just a quick 2-hour flight. I stopped in to see him last October during a visit to his area allowing some time for my own activities and he was very receptive, keeping in mind that I paid for all that we did together. He didn’t even offer me tea during our afternoon breaks. I recognized that his finances were stretched, but staying in my room, there was a nice sofa in the living area, sharing my breakfast and then going out to dinner with me, it would have been a nice gesture to pay for a simple tea. Although I enjoyed his company while there, mostly because he was calmer than when we conversed on the phone and was willing to hang out doing what I wanted to do. That’s nice, but in the end, paying for a man for everything does get old.

This time, I decided to visit for a full week and go from one city to another one a few hours away by train. He agreed to go with me even though he’d been before. I guess he figured that I’d pay for everything. When I asked him if he could cover his train fare, he said, “maybe”. I’m not sure what kind of answer that is. Either one has $135 or nor. I don’t understand “maybe”. I needed to book my trip and eventually made the arrangement to fly into his city so that he could accompany me to the second one. In hindsight, this was a mistake as it’s possible to just fly there and then take the train one way back. I didn’t want to pay for two people to go back and forth when I could have done it much simpler in the first place.

Then I also booked the trip for when he was available – mid – July, a much busier tourist season, rather than the end of June, which was preferable for me. I don’t mind cooler weather when it’s not as crowded. In accommodating him, I’m going during warmer, and possibly wetter weather, in tourist time and when I’m missing something that might have been possible. One can look towards other’s welfare more than their own. Now I’m very sorry that I did this, since his attitude of late has made me realize that he really doesn’t want to go since he doesn’t want to spend money period. Being with me is ok, as long as I’m the bank. I’ve decided that this doesn’t work for me. Unfortunately, I figured the whole thing out late.

In the end, I wrote to him that it just seems like it’s a bad time to come to visit him and that our plans together are cancelled. That said, my plans are not cancelled. If it was easier to change my air I would do so, but there are other expenses already incurred that make this adjustment impossible now. Oh well. I will go and do the trip as I wish. Letting go has released me from a great deal of stress. Of course, he had some redeeming qualities that I will miss, but not enough to continue. Discernment is necessary in selecting friends – who to spend time with and who to allow to use your time.

I’ve learned a big lesson. I will not allow myself to give into the whims of others nor for me to be used again. I also realize now that the planetary alignment is happening this coming weekend. It’s a time to let go of what’s not aligned with one’s mission and /or higher calling. Letting go of L. is part of my need to let go since it’s not in alignment with my mission. What are you considering it’s time to let go of?

Comments are always welcome.

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Getting out of your own way

July 12, 2024

We are built with an ego that forms our individualized self that is by definition, concerned for what we want that makes us feel good at the moment. In other words, this is the animal soul. The other part of the soul is concerned for others, for God and for what’s right in the altruistic sense. This is called the Godly soul. These two sides of our nature are at odds within us on a daily basis. Sometimes the animal soul wins and sometimes the Godly soul takes over. Today, I’m going to explain how we can get out of our own way and move towards the Godly soul.

There are challenges known as everyday occurrences that happen all the time. Today, for instance, kids were playing in the middle of the street near my home. I live in a relatively small townhouse community that has one curved road that circles around to get in and out of the development. There is no other access. If kids are playing in the street, a driver must stop and wait until they move. Under these circumstances, if either the driver or the kids aren’t watching, disaster can occur. There is a corner that one must drive around and then – bam – there are kids with a ball, or running, or playing on a little scooter.

When I was growing up, a mother would never let her child play in the street. I can hear my mother now, “never play in the street!”. But times are different, and parents think that once they move into a neighborhood it belongs to them and they can do what they want. It’s like in a restaurant. Everyone else must listen to their kid screaming because they want to go out to eat with their young child. In my day, that’s what babysitters were for. I guess I’m from a by-gone age. Maybe so, but courtesy and safety are still important.  

After pulling into my driveway, I went back and really tried to be polite to my neighbor who was playing with his child. I begged him to not do this in the middle of the street where cars are driving. “Please go over to the next block where the play ground is or down the end where it is safer.” I also told him that I had checked the local code and it was against the law. I was trying to be nice and not go down that road by asking first. He was more or less tolerant of my speaking and then got rather hostile stating he planned to continue….. that said, when I looked again, he and his wife (perhaps she understood the message better) were moving to safer ground down the end of the culdesac. Unfortunately, my other neighbors were playing with their kids in the street. I saw the first guy tell them. We’ll see what happens. I tried to be polite, checked my facts and then I went home and wrote the President of the board.

How am I using my Godly soul? I communicated in a very polite manner and literally begged him. I told him of my motivation and what happened to me previously so that the message would be in context. The animal soul would have just called the police. That would have satisfied my anger quicker. I hope I’ve done the right thing because now everyone knows that it’s me. Oh well, I’ve become the old lady in the neighborhood anyway and my sense of morality is different. I must accept that. It’s a new world.

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Preparing for One’s Own Funeral

March 30, 2024

Everyone has a birth and an expiration date. Even though it’s not pleasant to think about the later date for the most part, in some cases, it’s best to plan. In my case, I don’t have family, so I want to take the guess work out of my final arrangements for the executor of my “estate”. My net worth won’t be in the category of Bill Gates, but it is still called an “estate”. Hence, I went out to take care of my funeral arrangements. This hit home to me after making similar arrangements for my mother’s final resting place last year. Doing so brought home my own mortality. I also realized how expensive an actual burial can be and will certainly be more expensive in the future. When a friend told me how he pre-planned his funeral and had also paid for it a long time ago, I decided to do the same.

If someone just wants to be cremated and their ashes thrown about, the problem is much simpler. At one point I felt this way until I studied about the Jewish perspective on the soul while investigating burials for my mother. Then I realized that I might not care, but my soul might feel differently about it. I changed my will from cremation to burial. At this point, several years ago, I hadn’t decided on the actual funeral arrangements.

Now that my mother’s funeral is in the rear-view mirror, I decided to take time out to plan my own. As there is only one Jewish cemetery near my home in Virginia, I went there a few weeks ago and picked out a plot. I was surprised that in March there was a sale. One doesn’t imagine that there would be sales on cemetery plots. I guess it’s essentially real estate that one uses in the future. During the afternoon, I had a few chuckles to myself. One of the funny moments was when the lady said, “Don’t you want to be up on the hill?” When I realized that the cost was three times what it cost to be lower down, I declined. The neighborhood looked just fine near the row of trees closer to the entrance. The people already buried there seemed to be “nice” people. Just imagine me standing there looking down at those already buried and thinking that they were fine for me to have as neighbors one day!

I told the lady helping me that I would take the spot available as I looked up and saw a beautiful cherry tree wondering if it would still be there some thirty years in the future when I felt it would be my time – God willing.

I signed the contract for the selected spot and all the extras that were required, including the headstone. That is also an interesting story. There are several grades of headstones each costing more – depending on style of lettering, borders and how much information was on there. I chose the basic one but had to have my name in both English and Hebrew. Of course, this is the Jewish section of the cemetery and having the Hebrew writing was an extra charge! This did seem very strange to me. I have the basic information of my birth date and the date of death is of course, TBD.

The contract will get paid for over 5 years. The next step was the funeral home.

I communicated with two different funeral homes and got pricing for a basic Jewish casket, ritual washing and the other basics that are required. That too was put on a five year contract.

In the end, no pun intended, the details of what I want are in place. Now the person who will handle things for me will know what to do and it will be mostly paid for. I say mostly because there are always last minutes charges. I expect to be living in the same area but could move. This organization does allow for that and will facilitate monies going to other services elsewhere. I’ve done the best job I can with really not knowing how it will go in the future. One cannot project manage everything.

But almost everything. I certainly do feel my mortality more than before. And I turned another year older in the process.

As always, comments are welcome.

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My version of “The Notebook”

July 27, 2023

It’s understandable that parents don’t tell their kids everything about their lives when they were young, nor even everything that happens on a daily basis. But once they are gone, to find papers or in the movie, The Notebook, to find a volume that tells a story that no one else besides the characters knew about it, is pretty amazing. This is my version of The Notebook.

To set the stage, I was caregiver for my mother for the last 2.5 years of her life. My brother died during the pandemic and very shortly thereafter I went out to California, leaving my Virginia home for 10 months to directly tend to the needs of my mother. She didn’t want me to know how sick he was, that he wasn’t coming to visit her, that she was left to figure out how to get food via a guy that went grocery shopping for her, etc. etc. By the time I took over she was ten pounds under weight and not in good shape at all. She needed major dental work ($6,000) and lots of new clothes due to the lost weight. Of course, with my healthy cooking, vitamin program and general attention to her needs, she returned to her normal weight and for her age, vigor. I felt good about this and we enjoyed our time together. It wasn’t all fun. I cooked, cleaned, took her to the doctor and dealt with all of her needs. In addition, I found the weather there an issue in itself, especially when the temperature hit 120F. At that point, I told my mother that it was time for me to return to Virginia and my own home. I left the decision on her moving up to her. At this point, faced with living alone or coming with me, she chose the latter. I packed her up and moved as much of her things as would fit into her new place as I could.

It was a research project to find a wonderful senior building for her with lots of activities, quality dining room, and people with whom she could chat away. She also loved the porch to sit and look, not at palm trees as she did in California, but the greenery of Virginia. It was interesting to note, that my mom was now back in the state where she grew up. She started and ended her life in Virginia.

My mother lasted another year and a half until she passed due to a short illness. I did what I could to extend her life every day that was possible; providing people, activities and dealing with her needs. Anything she wanted I bought for her. That said, we didn’t do a lot of talking to each other. During this time, I mainly would visit and told her about what was going on in my life. I knew people and places that she’d experienced but not everything that ever happened to her. Every morning that I didn’t visit, I called and asked how she was doing? Then she asked how I was doing? That’s about the extent of our conversations. What came next really surprised me.

Once my mother died, I had to pack up her apartment, prepare for the funeral and send her body out to California for burial. I was operating on automatic putting one foot in front of the other, barely having time to process what was happening.

Only now, three months later, did I finally get to the packet of papers that together are the remnants of the memoir writing class that Mom took 10 years ago. The teacher in the class provided the students prompts and then each participant wrote a few sentences for paragraphs based on this idea to get them started. At that time, my mother told me that she was taking this class. She even read me a few of her writings over the phone, since she was living alone in California, being quite independent at the time. But to discover these writings now is blowing me away. You see, some of what she wrote, I didn’t know about. Such as her pet dog and what happened to him; or what her father, my grandfather did when he first came to the USA; there were other stories about how she loved the idea of being a teacher and role-played as a child. I knew that she taught school (yes, she became a teacher) but I didn’t know that it had been her dream to do so. As I read these papers, and there are many pages, I have to allow time to digest each one. Each one tells a story that I didn’t know about my mother. Details of her life that I’m finding out now, after she’s gone. Stories that she never told me, but she’s telling me now.

What’s even stranger, is boxes of shoes that I have in my closest are falling down. I pick them up and put them back and they fall down again. The same 3 boxes in a row fall down. I put them back up. Finally, I said, “Ma are you doing this? If you are stop and I’ll know that it’s you”. The boxes still came down. So, I tried putting one box back and it stayed. Then I put two boxes back and they stayed. I haven’t tried the three boxes yet, but I believe they will stay now. I believe that my mother is seeing how much I miss her, how I talk to her, look at her pictures over the years wondering where the years went, how my life has passed and she’s telling me that she’s here still watching over me. She doesn’t want me to be so upset. She wants me to carry on with my life, stoically as she always did. I’m not as strong as she was. No matter what happened, she carried on. Probably a leftover from the Depression. I miss her. There were things in our relationship that were broken but I did what I could to take care of her, to be kind, loving and a good daughter. In the end, she told me that I had been a good daughter and that she loved me.

What more can one ask for? Finding out these stories is just like The Notebook. It changes your life to find out things about a loved one after they die. It’s like they are continuing to talk to you.

As always, comments are always welcome.

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Role Reversal – the continuing story

June 5, 2023

I haven’t posted in awhile since my attention has been on my mother. Over the last couple of years, I’ve had to step in and take care of her since my brother died. While I was out in California, I did the cooking, cleaning, took her to the doctor but also had time to take her out to dinner as well as to get her nails/toes done. These were the variety of activities that we could do together.

Probably her favorite thing to do together was going to the Ritz Carlton in Rancho Mirage. We normally went early like 11:30 AM so that I could get a table close to the outside without being in the direct sun nor being inside. It was a perfect spot that I reserved ahead of time. In California the weather can be 100F early in the day. The door men would greet us as “Good morning, Ladies” and mom would beam. I always parked close by in a handicapped spot dropping her off first. The people there were always so nice to us both, but especially to my mom. She loved it. She enjoyed the ambiance and the beautiful view overlooking the swimming pool with palm trees. It was gorgeous and a view to remember. It’s one of my favorite memories.

It wasn’t all good. At home, mom would blast the TV to the point that I could hardly stand it as her hearing decreased. As there is nothing wrong with my hearing, some times I had to go out for a walk so that she could watch her favorite movies (mostly on the Turner Classic station) or on the oldies TV shows like Laurence Welk. Of course, I was familiar with both the movies and the TV programs but I just don’t like really loud noise. I’m the same way at the gym needing to use earplugs if the music is played too loud. So, we figured out how to co-exist during this time when I was caring for her far from my home. In addition, I’d make dinner and she’d get up a few minutes after eating to watch her favorite shows. I felt like a mother with a teenager eating quickly to go do other things. I was left to eat myself alone and do the dishes.

While all this was happening, I didn’t complain as I had to navigate my home maintenance during the pandemic flying back to take care of things. When it got to hot for me, she finally relented and agreed to move back East. Until this point, she refused and my mother, even at her advanced age had a definite mind of her own.

I could tell that she was having more trouble walking, moving from using a cane to needing a rollator. Luckily, I made the decision, with her acceptance to move her back closer to me. I found a wonderful senior living place for her just 14 minutes away. Little did I know how many times I’d be making that drive. I really didn’t think she’d live as long as she did, but with people around her, activities and my attention to every detail of her life, she lived another 18 months.

The move was difficult in the sense that it was mid-pandemic, and moving companies were in demand so I had to rent an entire truck. I told my mom, “I can buy you all new stuff for what this is costing”. She replied, “But I want my things”. Ok, so I figured out what would fit into the new place – a large one bedroom with living room and full kitchen that she was moving into from a two bedroom with den. Of course, many things had to be left behind with charities, given away to friends as well as some things sent to my house. Finally, the day came and she made the 10-hour trip back to Virginia like a champ. I was surprised that she did so well. I arranged for United to have a wheel chair for the layover in Denver.

Then as she declined further, my responsibilities increased to the point that it was more like caring for a child than for a mother. As she became ill, I was the one that everyone called – if she fell, if she went into the hospital, etc. Then when the final illness happened, it was almost a month of constant care – either in the hospital or a few days at home with round the clock nursing staff. I was a nervous wreck worrying about every detail. Finding the staff, selecting the right person, dealing with the insurance, etc. I was with my mother for 3 full days at the end sleeping in a chair next to her for 2 nights not wanting her to be alone at the end. No one should die alone. Her final moments were in my arms with me hugging her with one arm, holding her hand with the other and kissing her forehead to say good-bye. She looked angelic, and then I knew that the soul had left as she turned into a corpse. It’s hard to say out loud, but that’s how it was.

Now it’s been six weeks since my mother passed into the next life but she speaks to me daily saying that she’s ok and not to worry about her. I miss her a lot and feel like I’ve lost a child more than my mother with all the care that I gave her. I never had children of my own, but now I feel like I know something of what it would have been like to worry and care for another human being. Comments are always welcome.

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Resilience

August 21, 2022

The definition of the word resilience is the ability to be flexible in all kinds of situations; in other words, to be able to weather the various storms of life. My Mom, at 95 years of age, is a wonderful example of resilience. She is a real example to me of how to just allow the world to be whatever it’s going to be and life within it. Why I feel this way is the subject of this article.

My Mom was born in 1927, just a couple years before the Great Depression. Therefore, her parents had to live through the Great Depression. She grew up during a time when what had been for sure, wasn’t any longer. This country had known prosperity for quite a while and then suddenly it all came crashing down. We’ve learned since then to be more careful with investing in the stock market (or many of us have learned this lesson, but not all!). In any case, these were uncertain times that required those that lived through it to be flexible.

In addition, my mom was born just a decade after the Pandemic of 1918 – otherwise known as the Spanish Flu. Millions of people died leaving only the strongest to survive. With no vaccine and only cotton masks, people self-isolated and did their best to wash their hands with little more that they could do. Only those with a relatively strong immune system lived through this time. My Mom’s parents (my grandparents). did and they gave this immunity to my mother.

A third point is that my grandparents were either newly arrived in this country or the first generation here. They were immigrants making their way in a new place, willing to do hard work to survive. My mother’s father was a merchant, making his living from ownership of various businesses that he created – a gas station and then a furniture store. Both were successful enough to support the family at that time.

Thus, my mom had good genes as they say and she gave those genes to me. As time goes on and I get older I reflect on just how much my mom has passed her resilience on to me. I watch how she adapts to changes in her life with relative ease. When my brothers and I graduated from high school and moved on, she started working as a substitute teacher using the degree, she obtained many years before. Eventually, she earned first her teaching certificate and then her masters from an exceptionally fine university – that of John Hopkins in Baltimore. I still get the newsletter and magazine from them as I now receive all my mom’s mail since I’m her guardian at this late stage in her life. I know how difficult it is to workday time and then attend classes in the evening since I earned my graduate degree while working (from the University of Maryland in Technology Management).

It was not easy for me and I am sure it wasn’t easy for her either; but I never heard her speak of it. She just did it in her classic style. That is the way people who were brought up during the depression are; I have no way of knowing for sure, but it just seems that way to me. Those were challenging times and people had to adapt or not make it through. When I was cleaning out her apartment to move her from California to Virginia, her graduation certificate was there. I had never seen it. My mom had just gotten it and then put it away. When I think of all the visits to my home in Baltimore and never once did she say, “I just graduated from Johns Hopkins University with my masters in liberal arts; do you want to see my graduate certificate?” I can assure you that I would have been immensely proud and would have wanted others to know about it. Wait a second, now that I think back, when I did graduate with my graduate certificate I was married, and we were moving from one house to another, and I don’t think I made any kind of special thing about it. At the time, I just completed my coursework and did not even bother with the ceremony. The more I think about it, the more I realize that, I’m very much like my mother.

How else is my mom resilient? Last October, Mom fell in her apartment and the staff called me to come over as she was badly bruised. I went over and took her to the nearby ER. After being in the ER for several hours, the doctors decided to admit Mom to the hospital where she stayed for four days. During this time, I spent the entire day with her watching the nurses and doctors coming in/out of her room with lots of electronic documents for me to sign. Of course, I had no idea what I was signing away. Does anyone these days? The staff points to a line and tells you to sign and you do it. I tried to read what I was signing but the language isn’t really understandable by a normal human being even with all my degrees. Of course, it’s meant to be that way. If you understood what you were signing, you would not do it. Undoubtedly, you are giving away your rights to any compensation if the staff screws up. In any case, after four days of every test known to man except the ones that make sense – like an EKG, Mom said, “I want to go home”. So, I told one of the nurses, “ok, you have one hour to get my mom ready as I’m taking her home”. And they did. At that point, Mom said, “Do not put me in the hospital”. My reply was, “So don’t fall and don’t get sick”.

Months passed and my mother was going downhill. She was not coherent and seemed to sleep a lot. I was preparing for her demise. So, I decided to talk to her soul and I said, “It’s a lot of trouble for me to take care of you, so either be here or leave”. She looked at me and said, “You’re right”. After that she came out of wherever she had been and started getting better day by day. Her soul decided to stay for awhile longer. During this time, I got her a care worker first 3 days a week and then 4 days a week, not so much because she needed that much care, but more to keep her company. Yes, it is an expensive adult play mate, but it did the trick. I visit during the week also, but she really likes having someone around. And on Saturday, I have a guy come over for therapeutic exercise and massage. She likes Robert and thinks he is cute (no, she’s not dead yet). So, whatever he costs, it’s worth it.

We are fortunate to have the means for this type of care. I’m certainly glad that I’ve saved for the eventuality that I’ll need extensive care towards the end of my life. Meanwhile, I exercise as much as I can to stay strong and healthy.

On a final note, Mom continues to surprise me. I called the other evening to check on her with no answer. After three tries I called the staff getting worried asking the night duty person to check on her. When I called back, he told me that my mother had gone to the movie down the hall. Go MOM!

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Role Reversal

November 29, 2021

In this blog article I’m going to address the stage in life where the kids are taking care of the parents to the extent where the line of who is the parent and who is the child becomes blurred. This is a subject that is hitting close to home at the moment as I move further along the path of caring for my aging mother, now pushing beyond 94 years old.

I never had children of my own although I was married for a considerable number of years. As my marriage was always rocky, I didn’t want to bring a child into the world under a disadvantaged situation right from the start. I know that some people think that a baby will solve marital issues but I wasn’t of that mind. Anyway, that’s a subject for a different day. As life would have it, I seemed to have taken care of other people’s children along my life’s path. For several years, I had my ex-husband’s niece and nephew living with us when we first got married. They were teenagers, so I had the rebellion stage with which to attend. Then, later, I had the kids of my friends that I’d baby sit, so I became familiar with 5-10 year olds. I once taught school for middle kids so I had to learn what made them tick. In the end, I never had to feed, clothe, and shelter my own children. But the universe had a way of teaching me what this would have been like in a very surprising way, at least for me.

My parents moved out west closer to my brother as my father came down with Alzheimer’s disease. He passed in 2007 with my mother caring for him until the last day. Then she had to fend for herself with my brother looking in on her periodically. As the years went by, I travelled to her condo in Southern California to visit for a few days first yearly, then multiple times per year, then every 3 months. It may not seem like a lot but there was the week of preparation to leave my own home and my cat at the time, the actual trip and then the catching up afterwards. It was about a month of time for me dedicated to the one trip. My family never saw it that way. For them, it was just the few days I was out there. But when I was with my mother, it was 24/7. They would come over to my Mom’s place, bring some food, like bagels and feel like they had done their job. When I visited, I cooked, sometimes cleaned and took her places. I began to feel that I was really taking care of her. Then there were times that she wasn’t well during my visits when I had to take her to the doctor. A few times I had to take her in for an elective procedure – like her cataract surgery. During other times, she had illnesses like bronchitis or swollen legs wherein I had to take her to the doctor. Meanwhile, my doctor brother was at home oblivious to what I was handling for my mother. He never accepted that I was really helping him take care of her. Again, the universe had a strange twist of fate.

My brother, yes the same one that was a doctor, came down with cancer. He valiantly fought it for close to eight years, but in the end it took him down. Probably his poor eating habits, exercising very little and maintaining a very stressful practice as well as his private life didn’t help any either. His children and wife all had huge expectations of the lifestyle they wanted to lead and he was the breadwinner and played that role until his last day. He refused to stop working until he was totally incapacitated. In other words, retirement was not in his vocabulary. Well, rather unexpectedly, again  from my perspective, my younger brother who lived close to my mother died.

I was next in line to care for my aging mother. I quickly went out to California and began the role of primary caregiver for her, except it wasn’t a visit now, it was full time. To the surprise of the rest of the family (his wife and kids) I began to live there just returning home long enough to take care of my own home. This went on for 10 months with me doing all the activities of daily living for my mother; this included making her healthy meals, shopping to make sure food was in the house, maintaining the cleanliness of the condo to my standards (which included steaming the floors twice weekly for example), doing the laundry twice weekly and running her to all her appointment regardless of whether they were for doctors or to get her nails done. There’s a reason that people don’t have children at 70 years old. Being responsible for another person at this age is seriously tiring. I was more than tired. I was exhausted. Multiply what I was doing at her house with flying home and in a couple weeks, catching up at my house and then flying back to start all over again.

As time went on, my mother’s condition began to decline making it necessary to have outside support for just a few hours daily when I went away. After several trips and the world coming out of the pandemic, I decided that it was best to move my mother closer to me in Virginia. Understanding how stressed I was and that I was not going to fly back and forth forever, she agreed to move. Then I had to find a really nice place for her, pack her things, move her and then unpack her. Is this so different than a child leaving home and the parent helping them to move?

Although my Mom loved the place I chose and everyone quickly learned her name, her health took a turn for the worse within a few months. She had several falls, landed in the hospital for 4 days and the following month went on oxygen. Apparently all the years of smoking finally caught up with her. Well at 94.5 years old one can’t say that it shortened her life by much. She’s very lucky that my father made her stop smoking about 30 years ago. Unfortunately, she did gain about 30 pounds which she’s since lost over time with great difficulty. Currently, other medical problems are popping up. I still feel that for a woman that’s almost 95 years old, she’s led a fairly healthy life up to now with only a few medical blimps on the screen. Watching her decline in mental health is disheartening to say the least. Day by day she’s loosing cognitive ability to the extent that someone needs to watch her in the afternoon. There are activities were people come in during the morning hours and again at night so this is the main time for care coverage.

So just like a young child, that one must watch, make sure they brush their teeth, change their underwear, put on their glasses, go to the doctor and stay out of trouble, I’m watching and helping my mother. I get snacks for her in kid’s sizes, even giving her the twist off top yogurts that she really likes. She loves peanut butter and jelly on crackers, bananas and simple food. She’s eating more complicated food like salad less and less. I cut up her meat for her, but she’s eating about half of a portion these days. I open snack packs of nuts/raisins into a little bowl and she likes that. She sits in her recliner chair and closes her eyes most of the day.

Recently I bought an Amazon Echo Dot speaker where I can say, “Alexa, play Frank Sinatra for one hour”. She seems to really enjoy listening to her era of music and it appears to be very calming for her. I’m learning how to use this little device to provide wake up notices and alerts to go to the door to get her breakfast at a certain time as she can easily forget that it’s been delivered.

So now you have it- Food, clothing and shelter are now my responsibilities and all things in between. When her hearing aid gets lost I have to figure out how to get another one. I buy her new clothes and a new coat as it’s much colder here than where she came from. She still likes to sit in the sun on the front porch but there are few days when it’s warm enough for her as we approach December in Virginia.

As I leave my Mom after each visit, I wonder how much longer she has to live. Each day brings us closer to the last day. The thought tears at my heart every time I leave. I’ve also learned that as a caregiver, I can get lost in what I have to do for her, so I try to squeeze in some exercise and outside activities. All of this is not so different that a parent taking care of a child.

If this isn’t role reversal, what is? Everyone that lives long enough watches their parents’ age.  It’s just really hard when it’s your turn. Comments are always welcome.

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Fine line between love and hate

June 10, 2021

Have you ever noticed how fine the line is between love and hate? People can be married for many years and suddenly get divorced hating each other. Normally, one assumes there is love when people marry. So how does the transition to hate occur? There are many answers to this question. In this blog article I will tackle a few of them including: a sudden incident, a gradual loss of connection, and finally, it was a mistake in the first place.

Let’s take the first cause of sudden disinterest in a marriage or relationship. (Perhaps one party changes with age, or there could be a situation that brings out extreme anger, rage or signs of abuse exciting fear on the other partner. Inappropriate intimacies with others can excite betrayal. Such strong emotions are very difficult to overcome and even if excused, often cause love to turn sour…and also, to hate.

Love Hate Computer Keys Shows Emotion Anger And Conflict

Taking a step back for the moment, it’s important to understand what emotions come from the second, third and fourth chakras. Fear (2nd chakra) and love (4th chakra) are opposing energies and cannot coexist. So if one is operating, the other will not be. In other words, fear and love cannot be present at the same time. Once a person begins to fear for safety of self or their integrity (as in betrayal) love is sure to die and to do so rather quickly. So second chances are rare and rarely succeed. The answer is to not do it! Think first or risk the relationship. Meanwhile, the third chakra is the seat of one’s personal power. Thus, if there is little energy in this solar plexus area, then the person feels the victim or without power. If there is too much energy in this area, then the person may be a power person or when taken to the extreme, a manipulator, narcissist, or bully over using one’s power.  

Unfortunately, I’ve had experiences with most of these situations including feeling powerless, a victim and even being bullied. Luckily, I learned from each of them and came out stronger. Not everyone is capable of coming into their authentic self to own their power, and be able to love without fear.  The more we do our “homework”, that is, work through our personal issues, the stronger we become in each of our chakras. The goal is to be as balanced as possible. Even love can be too strong wherein we give out too much forgetting ourselves.

The heart is like an emotional bank account with withdrawals when others are mean to us or we give freely to be of service. We then need to take in emotional support and loving kindness in order to balance out this heart energy. I’m providing just the tip of the discussion here but enough for you to get the idea. Don’t give so much that you get depleted or you will get overdrawn, just like your financial bank account would be.

Here’s a story of a situation that happened recently. A woman went to visit a guy friend who wasn’t finished with his routine weekend chores. Rather than stop his activities when she arrived, he insisted upon keeping her waiting another hour past their agreed meeting time. She was a bit aggravated but kept silent about it. She tried to lighten him up by joking around as he seemed so tense about getting things done. As she leaned into to him, his arms flew up in a protective stance – one that a man would take if he was concerned for his safety. This maneuver was totally unnecessary since the woman was much smaller than the man. None the less his arm hit her in the face knocking her on her nose. She was not only stunned by his behavior, she was really physically hurt. He never said he was sorry.

As she was reeling and dizzy from the strike to her face, she stayed in his house for the next few hours while he watched tv and ate dinner. She quietly planned how she would leave so as not to cause any trouble. Eventually, she felt well enough to make excuses and leave. When she did so, he said nothing and watched her walk out. It was only the next day that he realized that he’d just about ruined his chances with this woman and began to beg her to forgive him. She wanted no part of it. And so it went for a week. Eventually, she felt bad for him and gave him a reprieve but only on probation to monitor his behavior. The relationship lasted a few more weeks and then she ended it for good realizing that she could be in her power and not live in fear that he could be violent again.

The next reason is loss of connection. This can happen at any stage of a relationship. Perhaps people get started based on physical attraction and then really get to know each other finding there is little in common. Or what was in common loses interest. Sometimes people get together for the wrong reasons, like over an activity that one partner no longer wishes to pursue. There are many reasons for falling out including just getting older and changing.

The last reason – it was a mistake in the first place often happens when the couple is too young, there is too big an age gap, the financial circumstances are very different, some cultural norm is very different or there isn’t agreement on how it is to be handled, etc. Sometimes people come together to work out karma and the lessons are done; hence the basis for the relationship is done. I’ve experienced this one a number of times.

One thing I can say for sure: if two people come together and feel strongly about a relationship, there is a reason for it. It may be for a time, for a season or for a lifetime. Only you and your divine essence know. Your comments are always welcome.

Leave a Comment » | Caregiving, chakras, Creating love, finding balance, Inspiration, manners and behavior, Overcoming fear, personal development, philosophy of life | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Why did you leave me?

March 15, 2021

From what I’ve read there are a number of states that people go through after losing a loved one including denial and anger among others. A few months ago I had to put my dear cat Skylar to sleep after many years of caring for him. It was a heart breaking  experience to look for ;hope one day and take him to be euthanized the next.

Making that kind of decision is beyond expression. From the vet’s office I went to the crematorium to part with my little boy forever. I returned several days later to pick up his ashes and prepared his final resting place near my home. As I was about to conduct his funeral, I got the call that my brother, long suffering from cancer, had passed that morning without awakening from a coma he’d been in for the past week.   Why did you leave me?

Within two weeks after my brother’s passing I was on a plane to the west coast to stay with my mother, my initial thinking was that I’d stay for a while, take her to the cemetery and do a service for him since she’d been excluded due to the pandemic and just figure out long range care for her. However, once I arrived, the situation quickly changed. I soon realized that my brother’s family was hidding the fact that he’d gotten Covid from them and they wanted me to leave, but their agenda was unclear. Although their motives can be surmised I can’t prove them. I accepted their rude behavior over the years when we’d get to get her and I’d be left out of conversations attributing it to not living  nearby, however I now realize my inner notion that my sister in law just had no use for me is clear. Its all about control and money. Its very sad really. She just lost her husband and has his estate and details to occupy her yet she monitors my where a bouts, my car, and has my nephew bring in other external people to try to take over insisting that I’m not taking proper care of my own mother. She doesn’t have enough on her own plate? One would think she’d be glad to have someone else here to care for Her husband’s mother as she works and is shutting down his business. Unless it’s not about my Mom but about her money. Oh now we have it, although she inherited mucho from my brother….. what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too!! No?

Unfortunately,  I’m now caring for my Mother in a way that represents me taking responsibility for her much as a role reversal,  which, of course feels very strange.  I’m doing her laundry, making meals and taking care of other daily details of life. Meanwhile I have a woman  looking in on my own house back home. It’s four months now with no end in sight.

I keep asking my brother now in spirit why he left me with such evil people at my heels making my life so miserable? I have great responsibility and yet have such burdens on top of it.

And in the quiet moments I think of my little boy Skylar and miss him. He tells me that he’s ok and no longer in pain in that little body he had. Surprisingly enough my brother agrees that his wife is not acting properly and he agrees with the defensive actions that I’m forced to take.

Why did you leave me….with this mess??

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

Positivism promotes health

May 1, 2020

We’re all in this isolation situation together. Sounds kind of funny doesn’t it?  Billions of people around the world are all stressed due to the Covid-19 corona virus pandemic yet it may be for slightly differing reasons. I feel like I get paralyzed some days and just plain overcome with inertia to be able to get anything done. I’ve heard other people express similar sentiments on zoom chat calls when they talk about how they are doing. Initially, I thought it was just me. Now I feel that we’re experiencing a new kind of stress that I’ll called COVID-19 PTSD. The answer is to stay positive, reduce this stress and promote a healthy immune system.

Just what is the undertone of this COVID-19 PTSD? Some of us are more concerned for our financial situations due to job loss or the state of the economy in general than for their health. As I’m in the high risk category, my health is my primary concern. I’m not working as I’m already in retirement; yet, I still have concerns for the economy because my income comes from investments which are currently in a volatile state making withdrawals from my account extremely expensive (taking the money and tax out at a 25% loss equals 40% in actual dollars!). Others may be concerned for their relatives going to work in high risk environments like first responders, medical professionals and those working in the delivery services as well as in stores still open.

The bottom line is that we’re all feeling Covid-19 stress, a new kind of PTSD from being isolated, shell shocked, having to live in a new reality not of our own making as well as dealing with everyday situations like going out into the “jungle” to get food or supplies. Where will it lead? No one really knows at this point. So what can we do about it? Well, some people are doing a lot of complaining about how the whole situation is being mismanaged so they think. Apparently, they would open the economy and allow people to move about. Others are saying that no, that would only contribute to more people getting sick and possibly dying. Well then, just keep the elderly and those with underlying medical conditions under wraps! I’m not proposing this; I’m merely stating what I’m hearing online and in the news. My personal opinion is of no consequence since I can’t affect the outcome of a virulent disease.    

So what’s my point and why am I writing this article? I do believe that we must stay positive. What does that look like in this volatile environment? It looks like not discussing how wrong all the government and bureaucratic decisions are, constantly looking at how many people are sick, how many have died and listening to the news all day. Yes, be informed but don’t let it all overwhelm you. Allow a certain reasonable amount of time daily to keep up to date on best practices, what one is supposed to do at the moment and stay calm about it. Getting hysterical, rioting and going against best practices is not the answer. Leave it up to the experts – anyway, the experts can’t decide what’s best – only God knows what will happen. It’s a virus and it doesn’t follow any rules. If we stay in now it may just delay the inevitable until later. But maybe later we’ll be more prepared. I certainly don’t want to have the lives of millions of people in my hands, do you? So leave it up to them and stay in your own body (or frequency).

Understand that everything that happens, even when someone dies, while others live is all part of the divine plan. We do our best every day, keep our minds positive, think the best of people, situations we find ourselves in and don’t allow our minds to be dissuaded by negative people. Don’t get on phone calls and listen to people go on about how bad everything is. It isn’t good for you and certainly not for them. We need to stay positive. It’s proven that staying positive keeps the immune system up and this is the best thing we can do for ourselves right now (that and eating healthy, getting daily exercise and drinking fresh water of course).  Know that you aren’t going crazy you’re dealing with Covid-19 PTSD. Stay positive!

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Posted by intuitivelifecoachjoanne

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