Sometimes Community Finds Us

March 25, 2013

There are times to be alone and times to be with others and we all have our tolerances of both ends of this spectrum of need to be or not to be with others. That said, being social has been shown to be a necessary part of a healthy lifestyle and those that are part of a social network, e.g. community tend to live longer. OK  so much for the technicalities of the thought. If you are divorced and lose your network in the process as I did, finding a new one at middle age can be a challenge. And, if your family lives on the other side of the country or retires and moves away, the situation can be even more challenging.

FriendsThus establishing community is something that one must go after. Like many things, unless you work in a place where you can make friends that you see outside of work, and thus have a built in community, you have to consciously want to open yourself up to the opportunity to engage. As I’ve just mentioned, the workplace is one environment conducive for establishing relationships but it can be fraught with difficulties if “friends” becomes more than just friends. But that’s a different discussion.

Another good environment is one’s place of worship or natural locations of social interchange such as church, synagogue groups, or local Meetups.

A couple weeks ago I decided to attend a gathering at a local church even though I’m not Christian. The program included a potluck dinner, time for social interchange but also focused on seeing a movie about wild horses followed by a discussion session.  I found the location easily and joined a table that wasn’t yet full. As it turned out, the group at this particular table was mostly from Peru, Bolivia and Columbia as well as a few regulars from the U.S. Having been to Peru, I had some small talk to offer to the conversation although I did feel a little awkward not knowing anyone. They were, however, very welcoming and did their best to be inclusive. I found their attitude quite impressive. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so surprised, after all, it was a church group and by its very nature, their perspective is to offer “love” to all. It was a nice experience for me after having gone to some other more secular groups that were more catty where I felt left out. Age, background, etc. weren’t important to these people. It was quite refreshing.

Then I had a really big surprise. When one said her birthday was coming up on March 25, I said that it was my birthday also! Next, one of the ladies said they (those that knew each other) were planning to gather at a local restaurant to celebrate the birthday and I was invited. I was overwhelmed! I barely knew these people and here they were inviting me to a party!

Well, true to form, I got a call a few days later from Rosie inviting me to a gathering on Sat. March 23 at 6:30 pm. The timing was good since I was attending an ARE Program on Soul Growth at the Unity Church which was finished at 4:30. By the time I left the program and ran a few errands I was able to go to the restaurant right on time and meet the group for dinner. All in all there were 14 people with 3 birthday people including myself. I came to learn that this group tried to get together monthly and used birthdays as a way to do it. It was a lovely evening including having “Happy Birthday” sung to me both in English and in Spanish.

I wish I could say that my own family did as much for me when I went to visit the week before. Yes, we did go out to dinner once while I was there but it lasted an hour (family drama was involved). So without dwelling on the details, I’ll just say that the old adage that we can’t pick our families (unless you’re talking at the soul level) but we can pick our friends certainly applies. And in this situation, community certainly found me!


Knowing when to let go

January 16, 2013

Relationships as well as friendships are much like marriages; it’s important to know when to let go. It can happen at either end. We all have a choice as to whether we wish to continue to be part of any relationship and either party can decide the time is up. The degree of anguish, hurt, or relief is a matter of which end of things one is on.
friendLe’s take an example. Suppose you’ve been in a very long friendship, say one that has endured for 25 or 30 years. You and your friend have exchanged visits, holiday cards, gone on trips together and talked about each other’s families for all those years. And then one day you begin to have trouble reaching this friend. At first, you figure he/she is just busy. After all, you’ve been friends for so many years and you didn’t have any arguments, what else could it be? So you begin to figure out what the other person is doing that would keep them from responding to you. Perhaps one of their children has been ill, or maybe they’ve been dealing with life issues that they don’t want to bother you with. This begins the excuse stage.

Next comes the worry stage. This is where you really start to wonder why your long-time friend isn’t returning your phone calls and/or emails. You begin to go over the last conversation you had examining how it went. Could there have been some clue that you missed? Why doesn’t he/she get back to you? Is something going on that you haven’t figured out yet?

Then there is the irritation stage. What have I done to deserve this behavior? So you try again. With one last attempt to be nice and give the other person the benefit of the doubt, you write an email, “I know how busy you must have been since I think one of your children is due to be married….”. A few weeks later, a response comes with no salutation, just the news that indeed the daughter or son or whomever did get married, but it happened months before (so guess what? You weren’t invited and I’m only telling you now to get you off my back…. Words in parenthesis are unspoken but implied). Wow. Now you know. It’s final. The relationship no longer has meaning. If your words of congratulations had meaning, then the news would have been provided more timely. People send invitations even to those they know can’t come just to “include” them. At a minimum, they send a notice. Not to receive anything is certainly a realization that one is less than an acquaintance. How did this happen?

When one begins the process of re-evaluation of the relationship, the whole thing begins to unravel. Was it ever a friendship or just a matter of convenience? No response is necessary. No other phone calls will ever be made or answered. It’s done. The realization is complete that the relationship is over. All that is left is to accept that a life-long friend may have been a mirage.

Talk about a life lesson. How can one discern friendship? Perhaps it was there for a while. Perhaps it wasn’t. All we can do is live with it and hope that our new friends are more worthy of our time and attention.


Tune on and Tune In

October 15, 2012

A couple nights ago, I was speaking to the woman that hosts the monthly local dance in my neighborhood who also sells dance shoes. I was speaking to her about the shoes, indicating how lovely they were, even though I wasn’t in a position to buy them. For the first few sentences, she was polite and then, suddenly, she just turned off. There was no polite phrase indicating that she’d given me her “ok my time is clocked in already at five minutes so now I have to move on”, just a shift of the head and on to the next person. My reaction was of total shock. Sure, she wanted to make a sale; but, it was a public dance and selling shoes was not the whole point of the program. For me, social interchange while getting some exercise was the real reason for attending that evening. As I read energy quite well, what I felt as this was occurring was like a door slamming in my face. I was in mid-sentence when she turned her head so it seemed like my words had been cut with a knife. Wow, quite a reaction.

The next night I attended another dance in a different part of town. This time the host was celebrating one of the regular’s special birthdays. Since I knew this person, I went over to tell her how great she looked and to wish her well. Again, this woman gave me a couple of minutes and then, without warning, she turned her head and started talking to another person. Déjà vu. It had happened again.

Now I’m really good with getting my messages so here was a similar situation happening to me on two consecutive nights. In both cases, I was looking for polite conversation otherwise known as social interchange. What indicator was I not reading from these people? It was obvious that they were not interested in continuing conversations with me, thus this behavior signals that these people are not my friend. Ok, I can deal with that. I don’t have to be friends with everyone. However, where have manners gone? Alright, perhaps I’m too sensitive. Did I merely overstep boundaries? Would a sentence or two have been enough, so that by the third sentence, they had tuned me out?

Well, now I realize that I’m over-analyzing. The fault isn’t mine at all; sort of. I’m picking the wrong people to try to have a conversation with. It’s all about the energy. Not just the energy of the situation but the energy of soul development.

Let’s look deeper at what’s going on here. In both cases, I went into the scenarios with the best of intentions just wanting to be pleasant and to enjoy myself. In both cases I was totally snubbed. When we interact with those of lower vibration, it doesn’t go well since there is nothing with which to relate. That’s what was happening here. Both of these people just don’t care. They may seem to, but it’s not in there soul development to be concerned about anyone that’s not on their priority list. And that day, it wasn’t me.

However, I stop and try to help people when they come to me, no matter who they are. And, if I need to step away, I will offer some polite accolade, “Excuse me, I need to …..” or “I don’t mean to be rude, but I have to talk to ….. before they leave”. If people are not polite, it’s because their soul development is just not where we are, pure and simple.

So, no more analysis and just consider the source. Turn on your intuitive capabilities and tune into your inner light. The answers of how to behave will always be there.

Meanwhile, excuse me, I need to go fix dinner.


How to Drive Customers Away

May 30, 2012

Anyone who has ever been in a sales, service business or even had client customers knows the importance of “customer service”. So why is it so hard to find quality service when interacting with people representing a company these days? Here are some possible reasons:

People are underpaid. They don’t get paid enough to deal with the issues at hand, so when they get irritated by the already irate customer, this individual hangs up. Nice way to handle the problem, right? Of course, wrong. But it’s happened a lot to me lately. This type of behavior only infuriates me more since I have to call in again only to wait in queue.

People just don’t care. They are underutilized in the job they are in. Perhaps their real profession was a higher skilled one and they are doing customer service merely to pay the bills. Their heart isn’t into it. Another version of this comes from improperly trained people. The result is that the customer gets treated poorly.

People aren’t skilled enough for the job. When I recently bought a new computer, I had to deal with a myriad of technicians who were supposed to know more than I did (should have been really easy with my level of computer savvy) only to find that they couldn’t help me solve the issues at hand. Mind you, it was a brand new computer so it should not have had so many issues. That’s another side of the problem. For now we are looking at the issue of trying to get service. I called and called only to find the person I was talking to had no clue about the particular software problem that the company I had bought it from (third party sale) sent me. I finally had to send the software back and use manual transfer of my data from my old system to the new one after I got hold of one technician who knew what he was doing. I was on-line with this guy from 9:30 pm until 3AM. It took that long to set up a new computer that I was told wouldn’t be a problem. Again, not the real issue here, but a tag along one. Sales over sells and service has to take the ball from there. I guess service is thrown some curve balls, but people should be properly trained. I also want to add that I had paid for upgraded priority service for three years on both hardware and software.

The company’s operational rules and policies are broken. I’ve just completed a 10-year line of credit with one of the huge banking/mortgage firms. After 8 of the 10 years on the program, I decided to actually use it to buy a heating and a/c system rather than take money from my investments due to the large sticker price. After all, the whole idea of the line of credit is so that the payments can be made over time, the interest rate is very low (3.25%) and the interest is tax- deductible as part of my mortgage. That’s the concept anyway. I barely got started with the loan only to find out that I had to pay the full money back within two years since the LOC was ending. Ok, so I had to make large payments which I figured I could do over my bank’s bill pay system. I was surprised to find that these ACH payments were converted to physical checks (part of this company’s policy requirements) and went into the mail. By the time the company actually got my $14,000 payment now in the form of a check, 6 weeks had gone by, I was nearly crazy making phone calls trying to track it down and I learned a lot about where the money could go along the way. I learned much more than I should have ever had to deal with. Every person I worked with gave me a run around until I finally drove over to a local branch and spoke to the branch manager who promptly helped me. After that, I physically went to the branch and made transactions. In this age of automation how bad can a system be that I can’t go online and make payments with full confidence. Just today I tried to resolve an issue with the final balance on this line of credit and again they drove me crazy until after the fourth try I got a woman who resolved my issue right away.

So in the end, if the first person doesn’t help you, hang up and call back. Eventually, you’ll get someone who knows what they are doing, is responsible, and actually cares. There are some good customer service people around. But you have to look hard to find them. Make a list and share it when you do.

 


The Second Time Around

November 7, 2011

Just to recap, in my last blog article, I noted that I had to give a cat rescue back as she had a biting problem. This scenario occurred at just about the six month marker of my darling Hercules’ passing. I totally believe in synchronicity and when I got the itch to get another cat as a fur pal for his sister Judas, I went with the feeling. Ok, so the first try didn’t work out for her, but it did work out for the foster lady and for my coaching her. All wasn’t for naught. It just wasn’t the right situation for Judas.

My initial reaction after this mean cat was out of the house was, whew, I’m so glad it was gone. However, the itch to get another cat as a companion for Judas didn’t stop. Perhaps it was Hercules in spirit letting me know it was time since I really felt him guiding me to another cat that coincidentally looked a lot like him. Initially, I didn’t like the idea of getting another cat that reminded me of my precious angel, but I went with what I sensed would be best for Judas.

How did I pick this new rescue cat? I did a thorough search of the available rescues within 50 miles for about 2 weeks, looking at what must have been hundreds of photos and even talking to some people about the best gender and type for a fur pal for my 17 year old female. I was advised to look for a male about 5-7 years old, since a younger cat might be too rambunctious for an older cat, and a female, as I had found out before would be too competitive. Whereas before I had looked at the outside beauty of the animal, this time, I looked at the face to determine how sweet and sensitive I felt the creature would be. After all, beauty is only skin deep. My prior experience with Athena taught me that although she was a gorgeous Tortoise shell, she had a really mean disposition. This time, I looked at the temperament first and that he should just be healthy.

Out of so many, one became a clear choice. His name was Spike and he is a brown tabby with a white blaze down his face. He just looked so cute and sweet. Somehow I knew he was the one. Next, I contacted his foster and began the process to meet him. The rest went well. His foster family had him with two other males for the last three years. This was both good and bad news. He had never lived with a female but he had shared a 10×8 cat house with two other male cats. Ok, so he knew how to share. I was willing to take a chance on him. He’s a sweetie, but all didn’t go well right away!

More on how he adjusted in the next article.


Blog: Why Act Like a Neanderthal?

August 22, 2011

Where does hostile behavior come from?

In ancient times, man (as in human beings which includes both men and women), had to defend him or herself from predators and so when he/she felt threatened would growl, show teeth, bite, hit or otherwise lash out. This aggressive behavior was a defensive mechanism meant to protect the individual from harm. Not having an aggressive personality would have put the individual in a very bad or weak position in this type of hostile environment. Thus aggressive behavior was a learned and appropriate trait for hostile environments. However, these learned traits have come down through the ages as part of our DNA. That said, even big black bears don’t attack unless provoked and can be calmed with a little honey. Wow! So something sweet can tame the savage beast? What a concept! And, it works on humans too. Try offering a treat rather than a stick and you might find more pleasant behavior waiting for you.

Are we all basically a more modern Neanderthal?

Sometimes I think so; but as a species, we have learned to moderate our behavior – that’s what being civilized is all about. Being a member of a society means we’re not feral anymore, not most of us anyway. Ever try to tame a feral dog or cat? I was told that after about 8 weeks, a kitten would be too far into being feral that they couldn’t be tamed. Well, I proved the status quo wrong. I adopted two kittens that were most probably at least 10 weeks old and with a great deal of patience, love and understanding, guided them into being household pets. (One just died after 17 years of being the most loving creature and taught me much about unconditional love. The other one, his sister is still with me. ) The same can be said of children. If we mistreat our children, even to the extent of not paying enough attention to them, overly criticizing them or in the extreme, actual abuse, it is entirely likely that they will grow up to be dysfunctional adults, totally over reacting at every potentially threatening situation.

How can we correct the unacceptable behavior?

If wild animals can be taught to behave, use the cat post for scratching rather than the curtains, and know which furniture is for them to use, then certainly with love and understanding we can teach our children to be productive members of society. This is certainly true for adults as well since children grow into adults. Thus I feel that the issue with out of control adults really starts in childhood. No, I’m not totally blaming parents for all the ills of adults – we all have to take responsibility for our own behavior at some point – but there are many situations where looking to childhood and the messages we received there have a huge impact on our current lives.

If this is you, what are your options?

First, look at your life now. Is it all it can be? Could your aggressive behavior be causing you issue? If so, take a look at what you can do to correct it. Anger management classes may be appropriate in some cases, more formal therapy may be required in others. If you’re the type of person that can be reflective, spend a weekend with a book that helps you to walk through your childhood, answer questions and meditate on the specific memories that are of real issue for you. What pushes your buttons? Often, this type of inner awareness work will reveal certain patterns that will help you to moderate your behavior into a more balanced stream and move from aggression to assertiveness. In the end, you will be a much happier person and no longer a Neanderthal.


Learning to Get Along in the World – Being Assertive Vs. Aggressive

August 15, 2011

 

What does it mean to mature?

In one of my prior articles, I addressed just screaming to get what you wanted and indicated that such behavior only works for babies, small children and teenagers prior to their being grounded. It may also work for corporate types until they get their first performance review. In other words, acting act by yelling is a sign of immaturity which also implies that if you haven’t learned not to yell or scream every time something isn’t right in your world, well, you guessed it, you’re just not mature.

What comes next?

Proper behavior is important to moving our lives forward in a positive direction. There’s a whole set of what can be construed as behavior most becoming a young adult, an adult, and a professional. Today, I’m just going to address the difference between being aggressive and being assertive.

When we are young and our parents just tell us to “Be quiet since good children are seen and not heard,” many individuals begin to feel incapable of expressing their opinions appropriately as adults. I see this often in my coaching. Such people feel that what they have to say just isn’t important and thus they have a difficult time of getting their needs met. Now we’re on to something. Eventually, this individual gets tired of holding their unmet needs in, so to speak, and what comes out may not be pretty. Most probably, the result of parents not allowing their children to be heard when they were young, fails to foster a sense of self-worth and thus, the child and later, the adult, may go to extremes to be heard. I believe that this is the cause of work place violence, domestic abuse, and many other extremes of behavior. Is it justifiable? Of course not. Most parents are just behaving the way they thought was best for their children. I fully believe that my parents never wanted me to have trouble relating to others when they told me to,”Be quiet, we don’t want to hear your opinion”. Yet, this is what I heard growing up. It made me feel bad, just like my opinion wasn’t worth anything. And, at the time, it wasn’t valued. But later, I felt it wasn’t valued in other more public arenas as well.

It took me a very long time to figure out that I was a good person and that my opinion mattered just as much as the next person. Once this transition occurred, I had to modify my behavior. I was being a bit too pushy in trying to get my needs met initially. I was being aggressive and therefore offensive to some people. Moderating this behavior to be more socially acceptable is what assertive responses are all about.

I feel intuitively that what I experienced as a child is common among many other children of my generation since their parents told them the same thing that my parents told me. In turn, these children of depression era parents also learned that their opinions were not valued. Unfortunately, not everyone can figure out on their own that they are important, regain their self-worth, and make the transition from aggressive to assertive behavior.

How can one learn to be less aggressive and more assertive?

Here’s where getting help is important. If you can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong with your own behavior, but you do realize that there’s a problem, find appropriate help. Help may take the form of a mental health practitioner, an energy worker such as myself, or a good friend.. Don’t allow yourself to get into trouble. Do be proactive and get the proper support. Hopefully, you will eventually learn to moderate your behavior and be a much happier and more successful person.


Want Something? Just Scream!

August 5, 2011

When we are young, and we want something we merely stand, sit or lie on the floor and scream. So it’s in our history to fuss for the things that will make us happy when we’re feeling uncomfortable. Initially, these irritations take the form of wet diapers, hunger pangs and pokes by siblings.

ScreamAs we age, the disagreeing events may get slightly more sophisticated when bullies push us around (If we don’t want to fight), our mother tells us to clean up our room, or we’re grounded for doing too much screaming! At this point, perhaps we start to get the idea that there are other ways to alleviate our issues than merely yelling when the going gets rough. Well, tell this to a teenager that wants to borrow the family car, stay out past her 10 PM curfew, or hang out with older kids.

Or, to my cat Judas, who stands in the living room and screams for what she wants. Last night I was on the phone and heard my 17 year old red tabby screaming downstairs. “Hold on”, I told my caller. “Judas, what’s wrong?” Then I realized it was time for her treat and our evening bonding in front of the TV. Though she sleeps all day, Judas wanted mommy next to her on the sofa for a few hours to pet her. Isn’t this like any family needing quality time together? Judas has her unique way of telling what she wants very clearly. Amazing isn’t it?

Perhaps quiet teenagers that go into depression should learn from Judas. It’s better to scream and be heard than commit suicide because no one paid any attention to them.

Eventually, all this screaming should turn into assertive, non-aggressive behavior in order to function in the real world. This is not an easy transition. By responding to Judas, I hope she will eventually learn that a smaller “Meow” will get my attention thus helping her to moderate her actions. Unfortunately, she found a way that works for her and she’s taught me well. Isn’t that exactly what we teach our children? Exactly, how to manipulate us? The answer is complex. If we ignore the behavior it can escalate, so that’s not a good solution.

If we try to show others that we do care and that acting out isn’t the answer, then just maybe, they might learn that a less aggressive tactic works. The healthy approach is to teach assertive behavior so that one can be a part of a community, team or work environment. What would the workplace be like if we all came in yelling for what we wanted? That said, we do know of those individuals that have to dominate team meetings, overly state their positions and intimate others to get what they want. This behavior is an extension of the screaming when they were young.

So parents, listen to your kids; kids, listen to your parents. And pet owners, listen to your pets. If we all learned to do more listening, perhaps there would be less screaming. In the end, screaming is a call for help. And, for those quiet teenagers out there, just be heard and get your needs met before you kill yourself trying.


So Rude! Or, How Not to Date

August 2, 2011

I really wonder if people care how they sound or behave anymore. In the old days, people were taught to say something nice or not to say anything. My parents taught us to have manners! What has happened to people today? Where did their sense of themselves go? Once we are out in public, we are judged not only by our appearance, but by what comes out of our mouth, as well as our actions. Don’t they understand that when they leave their manners at home, they are simply rude? Ok, so here I go.

I’ve been interacting with single men lately and have some firsthand examples in this particular demographic of the population. I met a guy, let’s call him Tom for ease of discussion, whom I was to meet this past Sunday. We agreed to meet at a restaurant near his condominium. All he had to do was leave his apartment, come down the elevator to the ground floor, walk outside his building and go next door to the restaurant. One would think that the timing for this process would be short enough for him to make it to our meeting spot by the designated time. I had to drive to the restaurant, park the car, and walk around the corner to the location and I was right on time. Tom was late indicating a sense of self-importance. He obviously didn’t want to wait for me. Immediately this sent a message to me that he really didn’t care to be polite. Okay, so this was how the date was going to start. I knew from this first moment that it wasn’t going to go well. So, for all the guys out there, make sure you arrive before your lady or you will send a similar message. You should arrive and be waiting for your date. Don’t keep her waiting. That said, there are always extenuating circumstances. But this was a Sunday afternoon and there were none. He was just late. Tom now has one strike in my mental playbook.

We go on to the greeting. I held out my hand and put on my best smile. To his credit he not only took my hand but he pulled me towards him for a kiss on the cheek. Alright, that was a nice touch, but it felt a little out of place at our first meeting. This sent a signal to me that he really didn’t know what he was doing in terms of the energy he was sending to me. One minute he’s sending an “I really don’t care about you since I can arrive late” and the next it’s “but I can kiss you on the cheek”. Frankly, I was uncomfortable with the kiss.

The next step was to actually sit down at the table. I had already sat down at a table inside the restaurant as it was close to 100 F outside. He was after all late, and so I picked the location to sit. Rather than just leaving it at that, he actually said, “Why don’t we sit outside?” I thought it was pretty obvious that I wanted to sit inside. If I had wanted to sit outside, wouldn’t I have selected a table outside at which to wait for him? To ask me was an attempt to negate my obvious preference for his. This was another rather insensitive move on his part, and one which I took as a power play. Why does power always enter into the picture? Wow, we’d just met and a power struggle already. If it had been 10 degrees cooler I would have agreed, but I really couldn’t handle the heat so I told him, “It’s really too hot for me to be outside.” Again, having to repeat my preference made me feel even more uncomfortable.

At that point, he sat down and we went on to have an interactive discussion. This is where things got even more interesting. I found topics to ask him about such as the nature of his work and his upbringing.

Total lack of interest

He never once asked about me. As long as I was willing to continue to focus on him, he was willing to talk about himself. He showed no real interest in me. So why did he bother to meet me in the first place and then be so very insincere?

Meanwhile, he ordered an ice tea and I followed suit. When Tom decided the meeting was over at just about the hour mark, he put three $1 bills down in front of him. In a not so subtle way, Tom was telling me that he had no intention of even paying for my iced tea! The guy earned a six-figure income and couldn’t spring for $3. No matter how you feel about someone, paying for the lady is the proper thing to do, especially if the tab is just a few dollars.

To sum it all up, Tom had no manners, was totally self-absorbed and was so very rude! I wonder how others treat him since what you send out comes back to you. I’d hate to be him looking in the mirror.